I haven't written about the Big Move (that capitalisation is completely necessary), mostly 'cause I struggled a lot with going from my last hospital to this one. There are a shit-tonne of reasons; I left one of my best friends, who I'd lived with for months, and came to a unit where I didn't even have phone or internet access for the first few weeks, never mind having Alex with me; I came from a unit of 5 beds to a unit of 20; the whole feel of this ward is kind of, I don't know, much more formal and structured than my last one. I'm finally settling in, almost 4 weeks since I came here. It's just an entirely different set up and it's weird to try and get my head around the fact that, chances are, I'm going to be here over a year. That's a really difficult concept to grasp, it sort of feels like when you try to visualise the vastness of the universe.
I'm alright though, although my weight is falling and I'm not that far off the weight I was when I first went onto the eating disorder unit. That pisses me off. At myself, at the ignorance of the staff here when it comes to Anorexia, at the fact that, God, I don't know. I'm mostly just angry at myself. I have had some absolute to-dos with the staff though, over it. When a SECOND member of staff told me she wished that she had Anorexia, as I was crying over a salad, I chucked my cutlery at her (I missed completely, if I want to increase my chances of hitting summat I have to aim a good 45 degrees off what I want to hit. And get really close, I throw like the proverbial girl) and told her to fuck off. When a nurse the other night scoffed at my eating efforts we ended up in this ridiculous, screaming, argument that involved us each threatening to complain about the other, and ended with me shouting, 'yeah, you fucking walk away, you fucking pussy.' I think that last bit was the Scunthorpe in me coming out, what can I say. I actually never get angry so it's dead impressive they managed to make me lose it. So kudos (I don't really know what that means, I'm just hoping I'm using it right. Totally not down with the kids), really.
The weight thing is really bothering me though, not least because they have no contingency plan for what'll happen if/when it drops to a dangerous level. It's more a case of when, to be honest, they're giving me about 400 calories a day. They haven't even decided at what point it's dangerous, I'm already very underweight. I know I'll get a bollocking in my ward round on Tuesday, but they just don't understand that I can't ask for food. I don't know, I'll guess we'll see. There is just no ED care and it's quite scary.