Friday, 26 April 2013

Catching up.

It's been a ridiculous few weeks, mostly in a bad way (ridiculous with me is often good. I am ridiculous. Sometimes in a good way). I absconded last week- went AWOL from hospital; remember I'm detained rather than here by choice- convinced there were all kinds of bad 'uns and rogues chasing me, when in fact the footsteps behind me belonged only to passersby and, well, members of staff who then ended up restraining me for a fair little while, whilst I sort of came around from being disassociated. It's a weird thing, disassociation... it's bloody frightening. The idea that you can almost be possessed by a being that completely wipes you, as a conscious being, away from your body, and make you act in usually completely unthought out ways. When you come around after dissociating, right, it's like a mix of waking up after being stupidly drunk and remembering nada and that feeling where you've tuned out and, like, gone somewhere on autopilot and found yourself where you meant to go, but with no recollection of the journey. Take those feelings and add over-whelming fear, a fear far greater than a worry that you might have done something stupid whilst drunk, because the creature you become when disassociated is far more of a stranger than your drunk self is. It's altogether quite horrific.

That threw me quite badly, even in the days that followed, and I couldn't bring myself to write. As well, the ward was really unsettled, a lot of us were struggling and the atmosphere was killing me. A whole situation unfurled between most of the girls here and culminated with me starting- and losing, it's fair to say, the smallest person on the ward hitting the biggest was never going to end well for the smallest- my first serious fight, on Sunday. And THAT situation made me even worse.

I'm doing a bit better now, but I'm so tired. Bone tired and mentally tired, there's no reprieve and all I can do is almost cry at the fact the weekend is finally here and at long last I can have catch-up sleep. I just need to be alone and mentally regroup, shake myself off, go easy on myself, and just rest. I'll be ok.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Rebecca, I want it to be okay for you... I wish this process wasn't so difficult for you :(

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  2. You're a beast and I love you.

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