Saturday, 11 May 2013

Food and mental health.

The obvious link between food and mental health is pretty logical. You eat, you're good. I mean, deprivation isn't the only thing that contributes to mental problems, and generally it won't even be the most important thing, but it's definitely up there 'cause, as a rule, depriving yourself of anything you physically need can only bring on the mean reds (I love Breakfast at Tiffany's). Now I probably don't need to tell you it doesn't really work with me that way. The days I give in to the Anorexia, as I'm trying to do less and less these days (I miss recovery), I'm much happier, bouncier, social and far less likely to disassociate or have flash backs or just generally dark thoughts. My mental health, at least on the surface, is much better.

My physical health is starting to scream from all the abuse, though. I found when I was younger that there was really no limit. I could do anything to my body and apart from the few superficial pleas (hair in dodgy places, bloating), I could get away with most. The ramifications then were still pretty traumatising, the hair, bloating, bad skin and all the rest are especially terrible for somebody who is so body conscious. But, my bloods would generally bring back alright results (a few potassium drips here and there), and my other organs would cope. Over the last year especially though, I've gone into decline. Arrhythmia, infections, more electrolyte imbalances, anaemia... a whole host.

I wasn't eating until today. All last week, nothing. For me, that's not a great amount of time, it really isn't. Let's not forget what became five weeks of fasting last year, only ended with yet another NG tube. This was the first time I'd gone longer than about 3 days for quite a while though, and my God did it affect me. This morning I was vomitting blood and my blood sugars were in the 2 region. Bad, very bad. I'm quite proud of the fact it was me who ended it, tubes were threatened but not used and it was me who put the first bran flake in my mouth. And the rest of the half bowl. Since then though, I've disassociated once and had the beginnings of a panic attack, before I took medication. It's been bad and all I can do to not promise myself that this is the end of food for a while.

Ultimately though, I go back to what I said before; depriving yourself of anything you physically need can only bring on the mean reds. I've to remember that food is physically needed. I can do this.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Rebecca you can do it... I keep sending positive vibes your way... I want you to succeed and be healthy:)