I loathe myself. I'm working on it; I do this weird little thing, it's going to sound odd as shit, especially if you're not a big fan of me, right, but I consciously remind myself, throughout the day, that I'm a nice person. I've done some not very nice things, but generally- I'm not too bad. No, it's not that I'm 'not too bad'- I'm actually quite nice. I'm good, it's all good. When you become aware of all the ways you put yourself down in a day, it's really quite horrifying, and so I catch myself at times and make sure I remind myself that I'm a NICE PERSON. They always teach you in English that the word 'nice' is to be avoided, it doesn't mean anything, but really a word is just what you make it and I like 'nice'. It's nice.
I loathe myself though. Really and truly, right the way through, loathe everything that I am- inside and out. When I'm going through times when I especially hate myself, rather than just living with my usual, standard, omnipresent hatred, my weight tends to reflect that feeling. Of late, I'll punish myself by quickly gaining, then I lose until I weigh less than I did before I gained. I get so preoccupied and distracted by my weight, which is actually quite a relief, in a sick way, because it distracts from the hatred of the parts of me I really fear I can't change, by changing my body shape. But that makes me hate myself more, because there is so much in the world that needs changing, so much that's bigger than all of this, bigger than my thighs can ever be, and instead I'm directing my hatred towards my body and working on changing such a insignificant speck in the grand scheme of things. Changing my weight does nothing but hurt myself and then, in turn, the people who love me. It doesn't make any difference to the world, besides that. What the bollocks is that about? I hate myself, so I affect my weight, and then feeling shallow makes me hate myself more. As much as I can identify it, I cannot break this cycle. I gained, and I started losing this week. Such a self obsessed little girl.
(I think it really highlights how self obsessed I am, writing this with no mention of what an amazing time I had today on leave from hospital, seeing my dad. It really was bloody amazing, if only I hadn't had felt like such an elephant. GET OVER IT, CONDRON)