Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Graduation.

It's graduation week at my old haunt of The University of Essex (oh yes, Little Miss Northern over here studied down there until just over a year ago. Oh, the south. CLEANSE ME. But I digress) and oh my, is it affecting me. This is actually my third attempt at writing about it, because everything I write either sounds bitter or self-pitying, or both. I'm not bitter. I don't begrudge a single person their degree or their mental health, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not jealous, so maybe that does mean I'm self pitying. I don't know. All I know is I should be in my pyjamas, planning an early night and working out exactly how much vodka I need to be able to walk in heals (a feat I'm capable of only after a few bevvies), without being even tipsy enough to dull my senses on such a day. Instead, I'm in my pyjamas knowing that tomorrow my name will not be called, and wouldn't be even if I wasn't a few hundred miles away. I'm in my pyjamas knowing tomorrow will be yet another beige day.

Not being able to finish my degree is a source of embarrassment and anger, to me. Apart from what came down to a few weeks last year, I've now been in hospital almost a year. That's... well, that's summat, alright.

I need to stop writing, I'm getting upset and it's not like it's going to get me my degree. It's also triggering my OCD, which is really dangerous... genuinely life threatening, the forms that mine takes. This is an awful post, but I suppose it's how I feel and I can't keep typing and deleting, over and over. End. Fin.


3 comments:

  1. I love you Rebecca... you certainly have the right to feel the way you do girl... you've been dealt a terrible hand of challenges that would have destroyed most people but you are a fighter like me... I believe in you girl...

    This made me cry... I'm teary myself right now :'(

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  2. You can do it Rebecca, this year was not wasted as you have been getting well and growing as a person xx You seem like a very brave person to me and I'm sure will do great things with your life :) x

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  3. I can relate to what you might be feeling right now. I should have graduated this time last year, and boy did some people let me know about it. I could have been this...I could have done that...and all I felt was guilt and worthlessness. Don't beat yourself up about the way you're feeling.

    I think you are so strong for writing what you have written in this post, I can see how difficult it was for you, and I admire you for that.

    I believe that you are so strong, getting better in hospital, and this means that one day you will be able to go back and get your degree.

    This will make your graduation day even more special!

    Keep fighting <3

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