Saturday, 20 July 2013

Low-risk to high-risk.

What a week it's been. How much can really change in a week? In hospital, a lot. I've gone from a level when I'm checked on once an hour (good ol' 'hourlies' as they're known here), to being checked on every 5 minutes (originally known as 'fives'- God, we're a creative bunch). That's, in a week, going from low risk to high, with a temporary stop over in the middle land. I can't even express how annoying being checked on so much is. They're not even REALLY fives, it depends really on how bored the staff are, as to how often you're really checked. Yesterday, seriously, the woman doing checks must have been bored as owt 'cause during an eight minute conversation (I say conversation, it was mostly me wailing down the awful signal we get here. It must have been oh-so totally comprehensible) with my mum, I was checked on four times. With two minutes between checks, you can't even use the loo in peace.

It's most intrusive at night- a light going on every five minutes does not a good night's sleep allow. Being on fives brings even bigger consequences than just being intrusive and irritating. In the week, it means being locked out of your room between 9 and 5, at the weekend, it's between 11 and 5. It's more or less the worst thing that could be done to me when I'm struggling and need time alone and I'm dreading the time getting to then.

I have gone backwards, mentally; that, I'll acknowledge. But every attempt made by the staff to safeguard me has just triggered me off and made me fall even further back. It's all very and extremely ridiculous, really. The graduation thing really affected me; I'm restricting my intake, my mood is low and I'm altogether fed up. I've lost all my leave, too, as a consequence, and so I'm stuck in these four walls. Nobody is going to do well when their whole world consists of two corridors. But apart from an hour last night when I was restrained because I'd disassociated and was having a flashback, which comes with my headbanging, I've not hurt myself. I told them of my plans so that I couldn't act upon them, but, bleurgh, that seems to count for naught- no matter how many times I tell them I don't lie, and wouldn't lie about my risk. I've spent more than 4 years in and out of hospital, lying to get my way out, and it's clearly got me nowhere. I'm just not interested in carrying on that way.

I know from the perspective of the staff you'd think it'd be about 'managing risk' but trust me on this- you do not go on fives just because you disassociated. That's not a rule. In the past, I haven't even gone on half hours for it. I'm struggling, but this was personal. It turns out when you call a member of staff various names (not something I'm proud of, but I'm literally obsessed with fairness and I felt he wasn't being fair. Luv dat OCD), he'll take any opportunity to get you back.


  1. Rebecca, I won't even say I know what you are going through... I don't but I definitely feel for you.... :(... I want to cry when I see how things trigger you and bring you down... I don't have this eating disorder but I definitely have other issues and I understand the triggers that can pull us all down. I have been there, I am always there trying not to let them take me back to square one or worse before square one. There is no easy answer to any of these issues, I just want the best for you Rebecca as I am sure your family does too... I know you can get through this but you have to believe it too... I believe in you...

  2. Hey girl I just caught up on your blog and I'm sorry to see you're struggling so much. Sounds super rough. I'm glad you're able to identify the reasoning behind what triggers you, e.g. fairness. That's a start! :) Don't beat yourself up about it, the fives will pass, you'll earn leave back, it'll be okay!