Sunday, 11 August 2013

Optimism.

I'm generally an optimist. As optimistic as it's possible to be, anyway, given my wide hand of mental health diagnonsense (when it comes to diagnoses, I employ a Pokemon style 'Gotta Catch 'Em All' type of mindset), and the symptomatic erasure of any hope that comes along. I reck that as long as I don't act on my impulses and get through the next year or so of hospital, although I might end up on mental health medications for most of my life, I can go from being a revolving door psychiatric patient to being able to manage my conditions as part of a wild but relatively ordinary life. I'll be stable enough to travel and live and love and hate and cry and laugh and all that intrinsically human stuff, which often alludes me at the appropriate times.

The problem is, my optimism is built on wobbly, at best, foundations and my proverbial strawberries get proverbially shat on quite often. I think I might be able to get better, relatively speaking... but I'm also dragging my feet over sorting stuff so I can start OU degree, because I might kill myself and then it'll all be a bit of a waste of time. That sounds really negative, I know, but I think in my head I'm just trying to be both prepared for my future and prepared for my demise. It's probably the same for any serious illness- as much as you'd like to always look forward, sometimes there just doesn't seem to be any forward to look at.

It's not always internal stuff, either. After the build up to Day One, there was a big anti-climax when it wasn't stuck to. They've ironed out some of the creases in communication that led to it, but it still reinforced everything I think I know about my present obesity and worthlessness. Every time I think I can fight, they strip me down and force me in the ring without even boxing gloves. Another meeting was called, more plans were put in place, and so far it's just about run. If not for my inherent positivity (and politeness- I was brung up reyt proper), I'd maybe tell them to shove it. But I know I can do this and I live to fight another day.

Anyway- to carry on from my last post, I'm still struggling. But I'm still an optimist. And I'll be alright, because I don't have any other option.

2 comments:

  1. Rebecca, I know what you mean about being an optimist... with all the things you have had to deal with it is amazing that you can still be that way... however; I am that way too... I have to believe that I will get through each challenge placed before me or I would have given up long ago... I can tell you are a fighter... keep fighting and don't ever give up:)

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  2. I find it hard to believe anyone as upbeat and yet honest about her downfalls could be a lost cause. Stay upbeat and keep fighting.

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