Saturday, 24 August 2013

Secrets.

Usually, when you have any kind of secret, you can keep it guarded, store it somewhere past that barely there memory of when you got so drunk you pulled somebody you reeeally shouldn't have, in a more well lit place than your mental to-do list. Secrets divide into good ones, like planning for somebody's birthday (hint: it's mine on the first!), and bad ones, like the time you were hurt so badly mentally that you took to your bed for a week, without being able to tell anybody why.

I'm not always sure what sort of secret an eating disorder would be, if only it was possible to store it away and hold the knowledge close, privately. It strikes me as neither good nor bad, just a basic fact. No matter what my weight is- and there's no correlation between how much a person struggles and their weight, I'm just using it as an example, really, here- I don't think that I ought to feel forced to hide it or make it into a big secret. Sometimes though, it gets a bit much when you know that people, strangers, think that they know you, because they can tell that you restrict the amount of food that you allow into your body. It's human nature to make assumptions and judgments, but at a low weight, people forget that there's a bigger, secret, inner battle, away from the plain idea of starvation.

Food intake to me is an intensely private matter. I would rather stand naked before you than divulge what I have eaten over the last few days; a person knowing my intake makes me feel more vulnerable and exposed than I would feel without any clothes on. I like that now I don't 'look' Anorexic, I can go about my business without people making assumptions and guesses at the sum of my daily calories. At the same time, though, now I don't have that look about me, it's quite hard to take that people assume I don't struggle. I do. Every calorie is a battle and every craving feels like a weakness. The anonymity of not being a skeleton is nice though, I must admit. As much as I don't think eating disorders should have to be complete secrets, not having my bones screaming out my fight to the world, is really, really comforting,

2 comments:

  1. Completely agree. I am a healthy weight but my MIND is still anorexic. Trying to explain to someone once, why I cried over eating an apple was impossible because, in their words 'eat fine now'.
    It really does emphasize that eating disorders are diseases of the mind - a mental illness.
    Hope you're OK xx

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  2. Rebecca, I am happy that you are comforted that your bones are no longer protruding...

    However; I know that this battle you have with food with always be with you, just has my overeating food battle will always be with me. Just because I eat great now and exercise like crazy... doesn't mean I have it all together. I will always have to watch my cravings and I will always have to exercise... today I am fine with that... hopefully I will be fine with that tomorrow and in the future...

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