Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Histrionic Condron.

I am very and extremely anti-psychotic right now. This week has already included a lorra extra anti-psychotics; my blood, once just red vodka, is now an anti-psychotic smoothie. I've had to have extra meds every day since, I don't know. Thinking is too hard. It's been a while. It's making it quite hard to write and my thoughts are flying about my head, like bees about a hive. I think I might be tired, but thinking makes me feel all fuzzy, so maybe I'm just fuzzy. Also, typing hurts because I stabbed my right index finger too many times with my knitting needles. Knit happens.

Today, it was decided by my psychiatrist that I'm more Histrionic than Borderline, with regards my personality disorder. It's hilarious and insulting, all at once. It effectively means I've been diagnosed as an attention seeking drama queen. I'm too bloody desperate not to be forgotten, really, and for people to at least like me a bit more than I do (love in the minuses, like), that's the problem. Anyway, the title of 'personality disorder' is bad enough, but the histrionic thing is cringey as hell. MATE, I'm just a drama queen. Attention is more a consequence than an intention. I am dramatic. It's ok. We're good. Just my personality. Disordered? Pfft. The only thing disordered about me is how fuzzy, um, I don't know. I'm definitely going to write about this when I'm a bit less anti-psychotic. More psychotic? If you get me.

I just fell asleep on my keyboard and now my nose feels weird. Oh God, this is like when people post drunk and it's really annoying. Being drugged up on prescribed pills isn't as nice, honestly. I mostly just feel fuzzy and tired and sad. I'm really sad. I don't want-. Nah.

6 comments:

  1. Man, I HATE antipsychotics SO MUCH - they turn me into a zombie, I can't think or function at all, just either sit staring at a wall or sleep. I wont take them now, there is absolutely no point replacing one condition with a drug-induced one that's even worse. Have you told your Dr how bad the drugs are making you fee? maybe you could ask to cut them down? Hope you are feeling better soon luv xx

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    1. I find myself staring off at the walls unfocused when I start self medicating and go off my usual bit of normal.

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    2. HAHAHAHAHA, last time I went off my anti-psychos, I had a delusion that my thumb was a chicken leg, and tried to carve it. Now, I can't move that thumb. I'm on extra atm because when I'm stressed my psychosis flairs. I'm much better on them, but there are just some draw backs. I'll be reyt, and the fuzzy state from the extras is infinitely better than the psychotic state I get in! Cheers for your concern, though <3

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    3. Aww yeh for sure, it sounds like the meds are definitely helpful then, hope you are feeling a bit clearer soon! x

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  2. Oh, and as for the personality disorder thing - what bullshit lol. Try not to worry about it too much, you are just you, struggling with some strong emotions atm. That's how I try and think, because all the silly labels can just weigh you down! x

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  3. I hate that feeling of being sad... I have that all the time lately... I don't think you are a drama queen Rebecca... I really wonder about doctors sometimes... Write when you can... I will always read what you write ...:/

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