Friday, 15 November 2013

Slipping.

I'm slipping. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry and so I'm slipping further, which is making me more angry with myself, which is sending me further up shit creek. It's when you begin with self-flagellation that Anorexia can jump in and really take hold. I don't know, I just try so hard to keep it together, but I'm sick of how difficult it is and I'm really wound up with myself for the fact that I just can't be the perfect model of recovery. I can't sit and honestly tell somebody that I'm doing as well as I look, because every calorie is still a battle and I'm now starting to lose more and more battles. It's just easier to cut those calories or cut these, just to have a bit of a break of the war. I call myself a recovering Anorexic because in the last few months I re-discovered food, but eating has become... bleurgh. It kind of feels like an experiment that I've tried but is coming to its natural end.

I know, of course, that there's nothing natural about Anorexia. Deliberately depriving yourself of food ends up with depriving yourself of far more. Comfort, warmth, relationships, energy.. it all goes to pot.  It's an unnatural, violent end to health and happiness, neither of which I feel worthy of.

Boredom and being sick of not being able to 'do recovery' perfectly sound like really trivial reasons for a relapse or blip or whatever the hell this is. Even I'm kind of rolling my eyes at this. It's so much more though- it's needing a rush and a change and some sort of, God, adventure or something. Not that losing weight is particularly effective at solving this deep rooted boredom and loss of interest in the pretty uninteresting life I have on this ward, but it's something to pour my energy into. As for the imperfection I face, it's even more illogical to then decide to be the opposite of what you view as perfection. I'm not one of those Anorexics who think being a skeleton is attractive or perfect or whatever, but, again, it feels more natural. I'm feeling suffocated in my skin by my fat, because it feels so alien. This is not my body. I don't even recognise myself.

Please just go easy on me until I can go easy on myself. I WILL get back on track, I will. I just need a rest and some time.

3 comments:

  1. We are all slipping Rebecca, each of us have our weaknesses... some of them are more noticeable than others.. Keep working at it girl :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. That ever elusive perfect recovery! Having attempted recovery on multiple occasions I predictably beat myself up when things fail to progress as I think they should. I should have gained less weight or I should have gained more weight. I should find it harder or I should find it easier. I am progressing too slowly or I am progressing too quickly. Ultimately the perfect recovery journey is the one that gets you to a recovered state. It will be a long, messy, unpredictable journey, it will involve false starts and wrong turns. And weight restoration and dietary 'normalisation' are only the first stages on the journey.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The thing with recovery is that, you can't magically pull it through at once. You play with it, try it, taste it and fall back - it's just like getting sick in the first place. It takes time and changing the way you think is slow. So don't be too hard on yourself. Set backs are a natural thing with that... it feels weird because something else is your normal stage.

    Just be brave,
    <3

    ReplyDelete