Monday, 2 December 2013


Imagine that you got a school report that was based not only on your school life, but also on your home life, including how you eat, sleep and even have a laugh. Imagine then that you had to sit in a room where people who control every aspect of your life sit and dissect the reports, in front of you. Imagine that the decisions based on these reports will decide exactly how you live you life- including, even, where you'll be for Christmas and what you'll do, as well as how often you can even nip to the bloody shop- and that there isn't a great deal of influence you can even try to exert. Imagine that, and you have my day tomorrow. Every 6 months, you have what is called a CPA meeting, where your treatment team both in hospital and from home sit and, well, discuss, dissect and exsanguinate you. They're almost always horrific, because all your not-so-fine times get discussed out of context and your brighter moments are kind of only mentioned in passing. None of the niceties involved in school reports- 'Rebecca is a natural leader'- are involved, but instead they seem to do the opposite- 'Rebecca gets on well in group situations, but tends to dominate'. Just a lot of inference and negative connotations, all 'round.

It's safe to say, I'm bricking it. I've got a lot riding on this, not least Christmas and NYE leave. I cannot face another hospital Christmas and NYE, they're just too grim to contemplate. I need my family and my bed and what used to be my life. I think I also find them worse than most people because I pick up on every inflection and suggested slight. I'm way too much of an over-thinker. I also can't take things like this with a pinch of salt because with mental illness every negative seems to be a personal attack, and I'm very defensive. I generally, truth be told, abhor authority, especially when I don't feel it's legitimate. Being sectioned- that is, being forcibly detained in hospital- means that you're meant to immediately curtail to certain forms of authority, which doesn't sit well with me.

It's going to be a painful hour or so.

You get given your reports beforehand and mine aren't great. To try and counter the negative feeling I have about the meeting, I've got my outfit lined up. This sounds insanely obvious, but how you present yourself and how you feel going into these things can have a big affect on the eventual outcomes. When I'm well enough, I dress up for them. I dress waaaay up for them. For tomorrow I have a black and white prom dress that I'm wearing with a purple velvet top and tartan tights. I keep going over this, and how I'm going to do my hair and make-up, to reassure myself that it could be ok. My outfit is good, the meeting might also be. Breeeeeathe. I'll appear confident and well and breeeeeeeathe. CPA? Oh, I CBA.

1 comment:

  1. Good Luck with getting home for the holidays.... everyone should be with their family.... :-)