Monday, 6 January 2014

Introspection.

I'm sad tonight, and it's making me pretty introspective. The internet is wonderful- there's a whole world of knowledge, weird shit, pictures of cats, awful clothes to be bought and so many methods of staying in touch. Had I been born a few decades earlier, I doubt at this point I'd really have many friends left, because I don't own a phone (and I've never been a big fan of speaking on them or texting) and as much as I love to write and receive letters, I can't often really be arsed getting that organised. Maybe the internet has made us all lazy at staying in touch, or maybe I'd be just this crap at contact even without it, especially because even with the ease of the web, I'm STILL awful at keeping in touch. We'll never know... and you'd never know, anyway, precisely because I am so crappy.

No matter what your circumstance, whatever joy or horror befalls you, there will always be somebody who has it worse and somebody who has it better and somebody who will have reacted better and somebody who will have reacted worse to it. For that reason, there is absolutely no reason to ever compare yourself to another, because we are so amazingly diverse in the power of our minds. Let yourself feel everything, because you have every right to feel whatever, no matter what situation others may be in. It's kind of beautiful- even our horrors are interlinked in an everlasting spiral of human spirit, some of us coming out worse but some of us coming out better, just a rainbow of human emotion. I think that's pretty cool. We'll never overlap completely nor are we truly comparable with anybody, in life, we just create a dance of fire around and around each other. I like that idea.

Despite me fully subscribing to that idea, it's so hard not to compare myself. I feel like I've fell out of the real world, like my only place is within this tiny bubble of poor decisions, poor judgement and even worse mental health. All locked up within this hospital. They say the world will be waiting for me when I get out, but I so desperately want to have done it all. Or even a bit of it. To have graduated or travelled or started a career or had a baby or got married. It's all possible in the future, if I have a future, but I just want it now. When I think about it, I think too much and start imagining what a disaster any of those things would have ended up, given my past and current mental state, and it's confusing because I can't predict how I'll feel tomorrow, never mind in a year or two, and so I don't even know if it's ever going to be possible for me to do those things.

But like I said, some have had it better, some have had it worse. In many respects, I'm lucky. I'm lucky to be alive, at this point. I didn't think I'd see 2014. I didn't think I'd see 2013. Wow. I'm here and one day I'll be out. Prepare the world, I shall be electric.

For now though, I'm exhausted. My eating has gone absolutely shits up, I hurt myself in a way I've not for over a year, this last week, my thoughts are running at a million miles per hour (anything that doesn't make sense in here is evidence of that) and I'm barely sleeping. I want to be electric, but for now I'm not even that tiny buzz you get when you lick a battery.

1 comment:

  1. Rebecca, I agree with you, we all need to stop comparing ourselves to each other... we are unique and that is a good thing...

    As far as you getting out and actually having a life, it can and happen... life can change on a dime...

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