Thursday, 30 January 2014

More change.

I've had an absolute 'mare of a week.  They've had to change my anti-psychotic, again, because my blood levels were out, so I've spent the week withdrawing from two, and with really bad side-effects from my new one, plus then just general mental-ness from the new one not being built up in my psychotic soul; crying and hearing shit and even feeling shit that isn't there, all the time. I even ended up in the general hospital because my symptoms were so bad they thought I might have a chuffing bleed on the brain, pahaha. In the long run, once everything has settled down and my body is used to the change, it's probably the right move. But I tell you, if I could go back, with how awful this week has been, there's not a chance I would agree to the change... not that I had that option, but, well, nonetheless.

I berate myself often for the chances I missed to turn my life around, and think about what I'd change, if I could go back. The answers are so obvious that I won't bore you with them, but it's really, really hard not to think of what could have been, had I the insight, back when, yanno. I had I told someone X, or been honest about Y, or even just took my fingers out of my bloody throat, would I have ended up here? Would the chemical component of my illness still manifest? Would I still have ended up where I am now, mentally? It's not that I'm ashamed of my present, but I can't help but wish for a better past, and often at the moment, no future. That's horrible to admit, but things are really, really hard right now.

I really don't know what I would have done, or tried to do, over the last week or two, had I not had all the support I have. So many people walked out, or were forced out, of my life due to my being ill, but maybe that was the right thing, because now I'm much more vigilant about who I have in my life. My incredibly supportive and just generally amazing mum, who I can call in hysterics and can calm me down and reassure me better than anybody; Becky, who can take me out of the past and into a hopeful present; and my beautiful Alex, who I love more than anybody who doesn't share my blood. The Cygnet girls; the people I went to school/college/uni with who send me random, lovely messages. I should feel beautiful because I have so much beauty being sent to me, but instead, well. Well.

1 comment:

  1. It is so hard to feel good Rebecca when health is an issue... you know what I see in you? I see that you are strong, you are a fighter and you never give up... I think you have a bright future... once you can get some peace with your past. I know this because I have had some really awful things happen to me but I moved on from them... although I am sure mine don't compare to yours in anyway. I just wanted you to know that even though you feel like you will always be there, I don't see that with you.. I see your potential :)