Tuesday, 18 February 2014

A presentation and its after-shocks.

I made a bit of a breakthrough today, with the help of one of my best friends, a nurse and an audience of students I'd never met, at Huddersfield uni. I drop bits and pieces of my history on here, and it feels like I'm writing just for myself, rather than for anybody else, and those drops don't seem to hurt too much. I spill out whole stories of my past mostly just to professionals, and usually that's too safe too hurt. I tell odd and graphic things, when I'm in acute distress, to basically anybody that's around, and it hurts so much I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart and sexually assaulted, all at once. So I have to protect myself, like you would protect yourself physically. Seat belts, helmets, great bloody walls- all, figuratively speaking. There are cracks and holes where things tumble out, but the reinforcements remain.

Or maybe they did, until today. Until I stood up and told those strangers that I was abused. I have mental health problems. And maybe it happened to you, and you too are ill- you're not alone, never when you're with me. I've never told so many people and explained how it's affected me. Maybe that's a bloody great crack in my wall, maybe those anonymous students helped me more than I ever thought possible.

I'm struggling now because I'd never said the words consciously outside of what I consider a safe environment, and after the Essex Uni debacle, where I was a student, I don't think I'll ever consider a university safe again. I feel naked and pealed, with all my innards- organs and neuroses- splayed out. I need to keep up the momentum, keep talking, destroy those walls. But God, that's easier said than done. But God, I want to feel protected. Sometimes, I just yearn for somebody to take it all away, or teach me how not to care. I suppose the latter is what therapy is all about, and today was definitely therapy. That being said, I'm glad I did it and proud of how it went.

I just want to feel safe.

Later: I've had to take so many extra meds to cope with the affects of today. I'm basically out of it. I'm ok. I just hurt for all the times I didn't in the past.

7 comments:

  1. I was in the first group you spoke to earlier today + I really wanted to thank you for it. I honestly don't know how you found the courage to talk to us, complete strangers, about everything you've been through. You're fantastic xx

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  2. Thank-you, this comment really meant a lot. It was a big step for me, and I'm pleased it fell on receptive ears. Thank you again, and please thank your group for me xxxx

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  3. yes Rebecca you did really well. if anyone has any questions my email address is rmsgain@aol.com im the girl who did the presentation on my experience of the mental health system

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  4. Rebecca... I am so proud of you for doing this, I can only imagine how hard it must have been... but you have probably helped so many others by bringing your hell to light..

    I may have been raped as adult, so it does not compare to what you had to deal with but it was awful and I tried not to talk about it... I almost imploded... now that I talk and talk... it has helped.

    Keep talking ... you are amazing to me

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  5. Hi, I was also in the first group you spoke to that morning. Having just read your post on your blog i just want to thank you and all the speakers for coming in and sharing your experiences to us all. I thought you all shown absolute courage and confidence to present your presentations the you did and i found that very inspirational welldone and thankyou

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  6. I was also in the first group you did you spoke infront of.I don't know you, but I was so very proud of you. Keep going, you're doing so well

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  7. Thank you both so much. I don't know what else to say to express my gratitude for your comments, just THANK YOU <3

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