Thursday, 20 February 2014

An open letter to my future.

To the Rebecca Condron of 2020,

If you're reading this in 2020, then you're alive, and all things considered, that's pretty bloody impressive, although not as much of a shock to me, now, your 2014 self, than it would have been to your even younger self.

Hey, beautiful. You've realised you're beautiful, right? This isn't like when people make positive comments on my appearance now and I think they're taking the piss? You've realised that any comment, be it good or bad, on your appearance, isn't a sign that people are focussing on your 'fat' and so you need to make sure you're the thinnest possible because they're judging? You've realised that 'thin' isn't a prize or a way to make yourself less repulsive, nor living in a bubble and feeling nothing a desirable thing; you've realised you're not repulsive and that if you don't feel anything, you can't feel anything good?

When people ask me now what I want to be, with regards a career, it's hard not to tell them that I'd like to be dead. Sometimes I think I'd like more than that, and if you're reading this back, I take it you found something to be other than a corpse. I hope whatever you find yourself doing, you're passionate and electric and in love with the world, life and yourself. And I hope if you're not, you're brave enough to fix it. I hope you're brave enough to live, rather than just surviving to feed the disorders.

2014 has been difficult. It's a year now, to the day, that I came to this hospital and I hope this is all just a blurred memory for you. I'm anxious and I'm scared and I'm not eating nearly enough and it's a struggle to remember to do the most basic of tasks. Maybe it never leaves you, but if I've made it to 29, it must have calmed right down because I certainly can't and won't carry on living like this. The 20th of February will maybe still hold a sort of significance, but I hope it's a positive one, because I need this to work. And, for you, my future, I'll do my best to make it so. Remember though, it's ok to struggle. Right now the dream is to have more good days than bad and it's not really going that way. I promise to set you up as best I can now, so that you don't have the same problem in 2020.

I hope you managed all this, Condron. I wrote not too long ago about my hopes for the reader, and I hope that you've managed to reach that kind of quality of life, too.

All the love in the world,
Rebecca 2014.

2 comments:

  1. I think writing to your future self is a good idea.

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  2. This is so beautiful and honest Rebecca... do you know how much I love your writing and how open you are... I want to see you make it well beyond 2020... I know you can... never give up fighting for yourself, you are SO worth it... xox

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