They're building up my leave quickly right now (it won't last, for reasons I won't go into just now, just trust it won't last long before they take it all back off me), so now I have unescorted grounds leave, which sounds hilariously more grand than just the car park with a few benches that it is. Really it just means I can nip out for a fag almost whenever I want, twice a day. Sometimes I go chill with other patients, sometimes I take out my Kindle and have a smoke and a read and everything is perfect. Like my leave though, nothing lasts for ever. Bit shit, that.
I'm low, I'm anxious, I ache, I'm fed up. I need to increase my intake because I've let it go riiiiight down, but had a meltdown yesterday over eating something with similar calories to what I normally eat, but that WASN'T my normal diet. I just feel so lost with it all. I mean, I'm safe, because I am in bloody hospital (I think that's why smoking and reading feel so good- it's the idea of freedom, even if I am metaphorically chained to the 'grounds.'), but I have mixed views on the whole thing.
I don't want to lose weight. I'd maybe like to tone up, but I'd like to accept how my body looks in the way I can accept that I can't walk in a straight line. The Anorexia wants to shed everything. The past, present and future. To be clean and pure and streamlined. I don't even know if this makes sense. Anorexia is rarely about how one looks, it's far more about... wow, how to sum that up. There are as many reasons as there are sufferers, and mostly, it's not entirely about being thin and it's rarely about emulating celebrities. It's a messy one and a total bitch.
I'll try and come up with summat vaguely interesting next time I post, but right now I'm consumed.