Monday, 10 March 2014

Acceptance.

They're building up my leave quickly right now (it won't last, for reasons I won't go into just now, just trust it won't last long before they take it all back off me), so now I have unescorted grounds leave, which sounds hilariously more grand than just the car park with a few benches that it is. Really it just means I can nip out for a fag almost whenever I want, twice a day. Sometimes I go chill with other patients, sometimes I take out my Kindle and have a smoke and a read and everything is perfect. Like my leave though, nothing lasts for ever. Bit shit, that.

I'm low, I'm anxious, I ache, I'm fed up. I need to increase my intake because I've let it go riiiiight down, but had a meltdown yesterday over eating something with similar calories to what I normally eat, but that WASN'T my normal diet. I just feel so lost with it all. I mean, I'm safe, because I am in bloody hospital (I think that's why smoking and reading feel so good- it's the idea of freedom, even if I am metaphorically chained to the 'grounds.'), but I have mixed views on the whole thing.

I don't want to lose weight. I'd maybe like to tone up, but I'd like to accept how my body looks in the way I can accept that I can't walk in a straight line. The Anorexia wants to shed everything. The past, present and future. To be clean and pure and streamlined. I don't even know if this makes sense. Anorexia is rarely about how one looks, it's far more about... wow, how to sum that up. There are as many reasons as there are sufferers, and mostly, it's not entirely about being thin and it's rarely about emulating celebrities. It's a messy one and a total bitch.

I'll try and come up with summat vaguely interesting next time I post, but right now I'm consumed.

6 comments:

  1. Everything you write is interesting Rebecca, because you write from your heart .. I think of you often...

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  2. It's far more about how we feel about the world and our place and responsibilities in it. I love your way to write what you think, that makes it interesting.

    It's funny how meaningful such little things can be like taking small freedoms to break stupid rules. It keeps life interesting...
    <3

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  3. 'It's a messy one and a total bitch.' Pretty much sums up the hell of anorexia. I hope it doesn't consume you forever, you deserve more of a life than one with this disease <3

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  4. I recently read Gaining by Aimee Liu. I found it thought provoking and not too triggering. Since I have no use for it now, perhaps I could post it to you?

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  5. Kez, if you could, that would be amazing. Completely struggling with it all right now

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  6. Send me your postal address?

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