Tuesday, 25 March 2014

The Skeleton and the shit times.

Lately, I've been having some family problems. Nothing that I would want to share on here, because privacy is privacy and I don't want to get more shit, truth be told. I don't like not being completely open and honest on here, but some things have to be protected. The troubles have all focussed around today, and the stress had me not eating at all, until the staff caught on and I was put on supervised Fortijuce and Bran Flakes (weird diet, I know, but whatever), then struggling away at that diet for a week.

With today looming, my intake lessened and on Sunday ground to nothing at all. It's been awful. Sometimes people talk about having an Anorexic voice in their head, but mine's the voice of a particularly vicious skeleton, through my ears, like it's standing next to me, talking away (I know it's a skeleton because when my weight drops past a certain level the audio hallucination becomes visual). The skeleton has been punishing me because of these issues ever since the problems started and I'd got into my head that come tomorrow things will get easier and the eating would re-commence.

I'm quite proud of the fact that today I fought the skeleton and took the Fortijuce. It wasn't easy and I needed an extra anti-psychotic after because the skeleton was fuming, but I made it and now I just feel quite happy and proud. Scared of the calories (I obsessively measure myself), but proud. I did it. And as angry as the skeleton is, I'm sure it'll be easier to fight tomorrow when today is nothing but a shitty memory. I need it to be anyway, because I have a damn good incentive- Saturday night in a spa hotel with Ginge, and the Lion King on stage on Sunday.

Today has been revoltingly hard. I cried all morning, until I fell asleep, then spent this afternoon in a total daze until I spoke to ma wuman Alex, and she calmed me right down.  I'll be ok.

2 comments:

  1. I know you have a great deal to look forward to this weekend, I hope you have lots of fun and really enjoy yourself Rebecca :)

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  2. Just blogging around and found your blog. So good to see you here blogging, so many deserted blogs these days. Each blog I visit is like meeting someone new. Thanks for letting me visit.
    Susan
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