Sunday, 20 April 2014

An open letter to my cousin.

Hey, Em,

I remember finding out your mum was pregnant. I was 10, and it was Grandma's, ooh, it must have been about her 65th birthday and we'd all gone out for a meal. Even at that age, I was secretly petrified of eating out and although my eating issues had started, it wasn't quite the beast you know it is now. Me and Rachel were doing our usual thing, at that age, of being horrible to Sophie and James, and were sitting on bar stools when she told me that the grown ups all thought your mum hadn't come out with us because she wasn't just sick, she was sick because she was pregnant. For a second, the world fell away and being mean to my little cousin and big brother kind of lost its appeal. All I could think of was this beautiful baby that would be here that summer. After that, the meal was brilliant. I can't remember much about it, just that I came away happy, in a way I hadn't felt after a meal for a while, even then.

Even then, you made things better for me. Even months from your birth, you made things better. Then, of course, you were born and were even more beautiful than I'd even expected. I can remember the feeling that overtook me, the feel of hope and love and new beginnings, a feeling that I wish I could bottle and share. I knew I'd go through hell for you, but I don't think I was old enough or even mature enough to realise that as much as I would want to do for you, that you also would for me.

I've always been so proud of you. You are the sweetest person I've ever met and right now you're a brilliant combination of young and old- young enough to giggle with me, but old enough to hold me when I cry and tell me it'll all be ok. I believe you in a way I don't believe everybody who promises that, because I know you and I know that not only do you believe it, but your spark means that you'll make sure of it. You make me feel safe. I wish you didn't have to know everything that you do, that you didn't know about my illness, but I'm so grateful that you do, because your strength and love keep me going. Your maturity is incredible and you really are my rock.

I love you so much, and if this is you at 12, the world is going to meet quite a force when you reach adulthood. You make things better and I hope you never lose that. But I know you won't; it's too ingrained in you. Keep being amazing.

Cousin by genetics, sister by life <3 br="" nbsp=""> Love, Becs xxxx

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