Sunday, 6 April 2014

An open letter to my mum.

Ginge,

I was going to post this as a facebook status, but not only did it seem insanely tacky, I also have too much to say to fit it in a status. I could have messaged you directly, but that didn't seem enough. I don't think any format would have been enough, but I chose here because this is where I go when I need to think and process things, and there's a lot right now I need to process.

I hope to God I am never in the situations I have put you in, time and again. I'm more anxious right now than I have been in a long, long time and it feels like it's going to kill me, like I'm going to be dragged down to hell and punished for everything I can't do right now. And that anxiety is caused by loving someone more than I've ever loved a non-family member, and her being seriously ill in the ways I have been before. I can't imagine, and, like I say, I hope I never have to find out, what it does when the person you love is your daughter. I'm more in awe of you than I ever have been before, for never abandoning me, listening to my irrational fears and rants, never stopping trying to make sure I have the best care, and finally for what you did today, in taking as much control of the situation as possible, and more than I could have.

You are my hero, and that's not something I say lightly. There have been times when I've thought I hated you, because I was too poisoned by my Anorexia to appreciate that you weren't trying to cause me distress by demanding help, but rather keep me alive. It's a strong bond, no matter how much circumstance sometimes makes me feel. As a parental role model, the last few years have made me yearn to have children and be the lioness that you are.

All I can say is thank-you. The life of my best friend, my soul mate, is such a precious thing to me and taking the phone from my ear and talking to her as a mum, just reinforced everything I already felt. Demanding everything I couldn't and talking to her as an outsider, was amazing to watch. Thank you for respecting our relationship enough to take that step. Thank you for being strong for all of us.

I love you so much, and even though I'm not completely ok right now, I know I will be and regardless, you'll be there fighting when I think I'm losing the war.

Again, thank-you,
Becs xxxx

PS I know you'll tell me not to be daft, so don't even bother ;)

2 comments:

  1. I never understood how much a mother could love their children until I had my own... it's scary for a mother seeing her child in pain, they would rather take it for themselves ... unfortunately we can't. Saying all this, I do understand that not all mothers are like this, your mum sounds exceptional, she loves you so much from all that I read here today...

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  2. very well written, felt I could relate to a lot of this with my own mumma :)

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