Friday, 25 April 2014

Routine.

I really don't handle change. I think because pretty much every major change in my life has been disastrous- even when it's ended one terrible time in my life, it's led to another. Not that all my life has been shit, don't get me wrong. Some days I find absolutely everything hilarious, and others I spend pretending to be a rabid dog or a dinosaur or a rabid dinosaur, it's all good. The shifts and patterns of especially the first 16 years or so of my life were a bit of a mess, though. But then, I might just have had too much therapy and be reading too much into the fact that I'm just an obsessive person (that's the polite way of saying I maybe just have a giant stick up my arse, right?).

The worse my eating gets, the less I eat, the more obsessive I get about routine. Usually, I am both physically and mentally flexible, but that gets chipped away at, by the Anorexia. Today, my bathroom had been locked by staff, which it is for an hour after I eat, if they remember to sort my food or to lock it, that is. After an hour and a half of it being locked today, nobody knew where the bloody key was to unlock it. Now, I can't always be arsed kicking up a fuss every time they lock it, despite the fact I've lost count of how long it's been since I made myself vom, I just know it has literally been months. End of February, I think was the last time. Anyway, I can't always be arsed kicking up a giant fuss about them locking it, but if it's meant to be locked for an hour, after an hour I want to be in there. I got furious today, because I felt I needed to be in there (I treat my bathroom as extra accessory storage, a drinks cabinet and just general junk shop) and so I decided I was going to climb over the door. It's been a while since I've done this, but it's a simple case of hopping over 2m and scurrying through a gap of about 50cm. Dead simple. Ahem. Except I got caught in the process. So then I was wound up because I'd planned on being in there and it had changed, went into bitch mode, and the rest... was a mess. Bad Condron.

I keep being Bad Condron. Literally, just now, I gave the Bad Condron eyes to a member of staff because she came 10mins later than we agreed, for me to eat. I started going into Bad Condron mode even though she was coming to tell me she'd juggled things around so I could eat at 6, rather than half 5, which I prefer. People are bending over backwards to make things easier for me and I know it and I appreciate it... until my routine changes and then I'm horrific. I'm not being fair and I'm not being particularly nice, to be honest. I'm not my biggest fan right now. All the hatred I have for myself is over-flowing and splashing acid on everyone around me and I'm so frustrated.

(I really need this stick up my arse to be surgically removed, please).

1 comment:

  1. I have been there too Rebecca, where I just cannot get out of my own way... they can be tough, usually it doesn't last long.

    I am going to take a little social media and blog break, I will miss your updates... keep trying, I am sure there are a lot of people who love you and care about you... I will be sending good thoughts out there for you. Take care of yourself, this is what I am doing by taking a break :)

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