Saturday, 12 April 2014

The case against Anorexia, in 10 points.

-Everything hurts. I'm clumsy at best, which is bloody nightmare when I'm banging bones on doors. Also, sitting almost anywhere now requires cushions. Plural.

-I just had to pluck my torso. You get so much fur your body actually looks blurry and getting rid of it is like trying to effectively remove weeds from a garden by trimming their leaves.

-I can't hold a conversation longer than a few seconds because I can't remember what I'm talking about. Forgetfulness has hit me hard, apart from my daily calorie intake and out-take, which won't shut up.

-The slightest comment can stop me eating. Tell me my skin looks clear? Must be because I'm getting too many nutrients, so I'm fat. Also, if they take my blood sugar and it's even the tiniest bit over the minimum they let me get away from, it must mean I'm fat.

-Major organs. What the hell am I doing to them, when my visual organs (skin, hair etc) are in such a state?

-Emotionally, I'm spent. I'm anxious, hallucinating, just generally exhausted. I can't win or lose this, I'm just holding out on the fence and it bloody well hurts.

-It makes you so demanding and bratty, that I hear myself speak or get angry over tiny things and I can't shut up. I don't know what's going on half the time, and when I do, it has to go just so.

-I don't trust a single person, because they reassure me I'm not fat, and since I know that's not true, I don't know how to filter everything else they say.

-None of my clothes fit. Over the last week or so, I've hit the point where I'm down about a size and a half and nothing fits at all. I know that should make me see, logically, that my weight has gone down, but that doesn't mean much when I look in the mirror. I hate mirrors.

-I'm not hurting just myself; it's affecting everyone around me. I've recently had first-hand experience of someone I love getting so ill; I don't know how Ginge copes with me, nor how I still have friends, but I'm so grateful that it makes me angry at the whole thing, which makes me want to stop eating. I know, no logic. I need to fight, because it's not just my life I'm fucking around with.

And let's not forget- this shit kills.

2 comments:

  1. This is so refreshing to read - what it's ACTUALLY like. These things get missed when educating people on eating disorders. A wonderful post x

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  2. I too think the truth should be told, if it is sugar coated it cannot be dealt with. I cannot imagine what you are going through Rebecca, I won't even pretend to know, I do feel sorry and sad for you... I want you to overcome this and see your body really. xox

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