I love a good conspiracy theory. I don't know that I actually believe man walked on the moon, but I can't deny the greatness of the supposed first line uttered. I took my first, giant leap today, but let me explain the background and then it'll maybe make more sense. I've been collapsing. A lot. I collapsed on Monday and was taken to the general hospital with low blood pressure and low blood sugars. It was such a pointless trip because I ended up refusing all treatment, then there was a big thing about whether they could force it upon me and it was all a bit of a stressy mess. In the end, I discharged myself and got back to my regular hospital at about 3am. Just a tip- never let anything go wrong on a bank holiday. A&E was so busy that even when I passed out in the waiting room, after having been waiting hours, we still had to wait another 2 hours. Horrif. I ended up back at A&E yesterday for the same reason, refused all treatment again, and was sent back to my hospital with a letter to the ward doctor with instructions for her to call the gastro department at the general.
When you have anorexia, being told you're being sent to the gasto ward means one thing. Dum, dum, dum, nasal-gastro (feeding) tube. Between refusing treatment and waiting for my discharge letter, I realised that I've really been a bloody great tool over this whole thing. I look horrific, like a 70 year old prisoner of war, and I feel even worse. I'm fighting with my mum constantly, which never happens when I'm well because the woman is my best friend and completely incredible, and so feels my disorder probably more than even I do. I'm bitching and snipping and more miserable than I thought possible.
So here is my giant step; I've agreed to an 'elective' NG tube. I'll walk in, head held high, not fight and need sedation during it being fitted (they usually bring a needle when they bring NGs, with me, haaaa). I'll accept the feeds, but work on my eating, towards getting off it as soon as possible. I'm just going to get it long enough for my brain to be sufficiently nourished for me to think straight, because that's the main problem right now. I just can't enact the logical side of me long enough to force calories down. It'll be difficult, but it'll be worth it. And saying this is one giant leap for me- I've never done it this way- even if it only takes a minimum of steps to get to the gastro ward (I am on restricted movement, after all ;)).
I don't know when it'll be, but because of my weight it probably won't be too long. I shall keep you updated as much as I can, and hopefully I'll come out of this kicking arse. No, wait, I WILL come out of this having kicked, and still kicking, arse.