Sunday, 29 June 2014

A presentation and a brick wall.

Months ago, I did a presentation on my mental health to students at Huddersfield  Uni. It went will for being a first go, but not as well as when you really get in your stride, and you're truly comfortable, yanno? Fast forward through a bloody awful few months (I promise I won't whinge too much in this post) (that's a lie, because I feel both tiny and unimportant and very, very obese. Work that out), and we had another scheduled for Friday. For obvious reasons- nose, tube, general look of demonic harpy- it wasn't looking overly likely I'd be able to go, but then Thursday night, it was decided I had enough chub 'n' love to do the thing. AND DO IT I DID. I have, though, definitely learnt that maybe I shouldn't improvise because I have too many stories and a necessity too tell them all, regardless of relevance. Or taste, really. I demonstrated my mating dance. Enough said. But aside from slightly inappropriate stories, ahem, I think it really went well. I ended up telling so much that I had to take meds to calm me down off the ceiling, and that's usually a good sign. Thank you Lincoln's second year nursing students, you were an amazing audience and as crappy as I feel, I also know a line has been drawn and I appreciate you offering me the chance to do so.

That said, can I whinge now? I'm feeling huge. I need a few days off food and, actually, life. Just a few days for Pepsi Max, books and solitude. I'm not really a solitary kind of person, I just like the idea of being invisible. It always happens during re-feeding, when all I want is to be invisible whilst I melt down the size of my thighs. I say that's all I want, but that's not true. In fact, I don't really want that at all, otherwise I suppose I would do it. The voice of the anorexia is louder than mine, but not more passionate. I'm the voice at the back with the valid reasoning, trying not to be taken in by the hysterics tyranny of the anorexia. I must fight, even if it feels as if I am doing so alone.

I'm working hard, it's just taking its toll a bit today. I'm drained, hitting a brick wall, and I don't know how long I can hang on. I'm constantly angry and teary and it's just not me. It's a different misery from how I felt when my weight was low and dropping because now I'm more aware. I don't know, I'm sure tomorrow I'll be feeling better; I've been so motivated this week, so don't worry. I'll get back on track. I'm just exhausted.

1 comment:

  1. I know that feeling of being on track but being exhausted and finding a way to hold on until the I am no longer tired.

    I am glad you are sharing your story with other people, I think the more it will help you in the long run, you need to find out that you are not alone... I had to find that out with things in my life too...

    There is a way through all this eventually, it is never easy to get through but it is worth it, I keep holding on too... we will both get to our destination on different paths...