Let me tell you one thing this relapse has taught me; people are incredible. I've had so many visits and so many messages and, God, I didn't realise, I suppose, how many people get hurt and caught up in this shitty cycle. Anorexia is a lonely disorder, it convinces you that nobody cares and nobody is getting hurt, the latter especially being the biggest piece of bull going. Oh, people get hurt. Every kilo that comes off is another worry to everyone around you, and the misery and loneliness is contagious. I'm sorry, I really am. I wish, in a sense, that it was as lonely as it feels, because I really only meant to hurt myself, in the hope of reaching some kind of peace. It's a bottomless pit though, and the peace of solid ground never comes. All that happens is that people are forced to watch the fall, with their parachutes being refused.
It's an unproductive guilt that has gripped me right now, though. I'm caught up between guilt of what I've done to people and guilt of the calories and somehow they've become intertwined. Opposites aligned, to beat me down. I'm writing, really, to try and straighten things out in my head, but truth be told, I'm just confused as hell. It's been 2 weeks since I came in for this NG tube and I thought I'd have been able to talk my way out by now, but I'm being really half arsed in my attempts because of the guilt of knowing that I'm playing the game to get out and get the weight back off. I'm pretty much half arsed about everything right now. The doctor said it could be weeks longer before I'm out, which has petrified me because I have been eating like those people who can't fit through doorways, they're so big (i iz wot i iz), so that I could use it as leverage to get out of here, with reassurances to myself that the weight gain is temporary.
I'm angry. Reading this back is making me angry. I am so, so gripped by this disorder right now, and now I'm kind of crying at how much I've really, really messed up and I'm not even sure by that if I mean messed up by gaining weight or messed up by letting the anorexia win. I don't know what to do, and I'm sorry.