Tuesday, 1 July 2014

To love and to be loved.

I love a lot of people. Sometimes so much it makes me angry, because everyone is suffering in one way or another, everyone has those doubts and insecurities and demons, and I just don't get it. I don't get how the people I love, who are so worthy of all the good things in the world, can possibly not see that. It sounds a bit sappy, but I'm so angry because I just can't vanquish the mental demons, all I can do is sit and watch, try to be there, and that's a pretty crap position to be in. I just really don't get how they don't see their power and beauty. I just don't get it.

I love people so much, yet I fail to respect them, in a way. Let me explain. I think part and parcel of loving people is faith in them and acceptance of their beliefs. I think we kind of own the people we love and they own us, because if they love you back, you've also got to accept yourself their love, and therefore, the fact that they have faith and acceptance in you. In being loved, you become real and you have a duty to protect the beliefs of the other person. If I love people, and they love me back, why aren't I accepting them, and their faith in me? Why am I breaking something that they love? What kind of person destroys a loved ones prized possession? Whatever kind of person does that, is a kind of person I don't want to be.

Recovery is a personal journey through a maze towards loving yourself and believing that, loved by others or not, you're worthy of health and happiness. I'm somewhere in the maze, not at the final destination, and so I'm not in a place where I can do it for myself. I hope I'm not far from the destination, but the maze is complicated and sometimes you have to double back on yourself to find another way, and that's fine. I've doubled back, but I've found another route and hopefully it won't be a dead end. I may not be ready to do it for myself, but I think I'm in a position to love and be loved.

I've got my fight and motivation back, I just want myself back now.

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