I've really been shaking stuff up, getting down and making some changes. Well, ish. I've managed to get me an ear infection that's so bad I ended up at the general yesterday. It is shaking it up from my usual chest infections, though. That's something.
I have a terrible immune system. Thank-you Anorexia, thank you. If there's a cold going around, I end up with a chest infection. Back in the self harm days (besides ED things it's been 9 month. Serious, check me out), whatever I did to myself would end up infected. The effects of eating disorders can be so much more long term; problems arising, still after re-feeding/weight gain. I'm not too far off a healthy weight now, but still the problems persist. Honestly, when I get ill (if you know me from reading this regularly, you know how often I'm ill!), it terrifies me. Not for the infection or virus or whatever itself, but for the question, 'what the hell have I done?'
I've always wanted a big family, lots of kids. My mum has 5 sisters and the stories from her childhood and the stuff they did are hilarious. I want to love and nurture a person who will know that it'll all be lovely. I want to shelter but expose, for my child not to want for anything, but at the same time, not to get all they want, materially. I never dreamt about a wedding, but always I've wanted kids. Named them and renamed them hundreds of times. That's my biggest fear. I don't want to be redundant. But what if I've ruined my chances, in the quest for some peace of mind? I know that there are other options- adoption, fostering, etc. I know that, but, I don't know. All I know is the fear of the heartache that may be ahead.
My body can't cope with keeping me well, even when my mind is workingworking to do its best to keep my weight up. If it can't cope now, what happens after the next time I relapse, god forbid?