Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Poor body.

I've really been shaking stuff up, getting down and making some changes. Well, ish. I've managed to get me an ear infection that's so bad I ended up at the general yesterday. It is shaking it up from my usual chest infections, though. That's something.

I have a terrible immune system. Thank-you Anorexia, thank you. If there's a cold going around, I end up with a chest infection. Back in the self harm days (besides ED things it's been 9 month. Serious, check me out), whatever I did to myself would end up infected. The effects of eating disorders can be so much more long term; problems arising, still after re-feeding/weight gain. I'm not too far off a healthy weight now, but still the problems persist. Honestly, when I get ill (if you know me from reading this regularly, you know how often I'm ill!), it terrifies me. Not for the infection or virus or whatever itself, but for the question, 'what the hell have I done?'

I've always wanted a big family, lots of kids. My mum has 5 sisters and the stories from her childhood and the stuff they did are hilarious. I want to love and nurture a person who will know that it'll all be lovely. I want to shelter but expose, for my child not to want for anything, but at the same time, not to get all they want, materially. I never dreamt about a wedding, but always I've wanted kids. Named them and renamed them hundreds of times. That's my biggest fear. I don't want to be redundant. But what if I've ruined my chances, in the quest for some peace of mind? I know that there are other options- adoption, fostering, etc. I know that, but, I don't know. All I know is the fear of the heartache that may be ahead.

My body can't cope with keeping me well, even when my mind is workingworking to do its best to keep my weight up. If it can't cope now, what happens after the next time I relapse, god forbid?

3 comments:

  1. What if there isn't another relapse? You might just get all of those things that you want, because let's face it.. it's about time you got the happiness you so desperately deserve x

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  2. I think you can have all that you desire Rebecca, you have come so far already, I believe in you and I agree that you deserve it :)

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  3. Forgive and accept is a good thing to say to this. You're not helping your future any further by dwelling next with the consequences and thinking you lost it all. Of course there's a mourning period where you will feel sad and angry if that happens... but then you just have to stop and say ok, what now. There's still ways to get what you want, like you said. It's not exactly same as the own but you don't know that yet if it's possible or not. Don't put those worrying pictures ahead which you want to avoid and somewhere in your mind maybe use as a reason to pull you back into deep water. You can do this and you can survive. You haven't lost anything yet, our bodies are wonderful things, strong and they can handle and recover the better the positive we are.

    Keep going gorgeous, you got this!
    <3

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