Saturday, 29 November 2014

Balance.

It seems that I can't balance Anorexia with, well, anything much right now and it seemed to take priority over everything this last week, hence the silence on this place. It's actually terrifying, and in a way, I think it must be a bit like being diagnosed with dementia. You know you're going to lose cognition, but you know you're going to know you're forgetting things until, well, you don't. Knowledge of demise is infinitely more petrifying than I can express.

I won't go back. I won't. I'm on bloody crutches right now, for a hip problem that's incredo likely to be a side effect of years and years of this crap. I could list every part of my body, and tell you what it's done to me. What I've done for myself. I. Me. I don't like thinking of it that way, of being able to stop the train before it ran out of tracks, then watching it fallingfallingfalling.

I won't fall.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Knackered.

I am exhausted. And my thighs are expanding by the second. I can keep going so long, then my body erupts and takes my mind with it. Or the other way around; my mind goes tits and so my thighs do? God alone knows. I have so much I could write about, so many things to think about, so much in general to do, and I'm squandering my potential stressing about the irrelevant size of my body. Just for a day, it would be nice not to feel like a complete failure. A failure at recovery, because I'm so stressed and (ever so slightly- don't worry) limiting my diet and I failure at whatever the hell I think I should look like, to carry the label of anorexic.

It didn't help that I was told earlier this week that I don't look anorexic. There's something about that. Is 'anorexic' a label to aspire to? Or should I be glad of the privacy of not having people assume certain things, just because I'm very underweight? Should I be glad that I'm healthy? Or should I worry that I've lost my identity, of being ill? Sometimes I miss, and I hate admitting this, not having to verbally express my struggling and letting the scales speak for me. I hate scales.

Gaining weight is just dealing with a symptom. I wish I could scream this from the rooftops. It was necessary and it took some of my poor health with it, but it was just. dealing. with. a. symptom. Weight actually has bugger all to do with eating disorders. Losing weight is a way of channelling and projecting my own pain and attention onto the surface of my body. And now, it seems that all the help and care from other people only went into my weight. If only people stopped to think about the bare fact that eating disorders are psychological problems and only physical as a by-product, life for those of us trying to recover would be a hell of a lot easier.

I am so, so tired.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

A good feeling.

I have been deleting and re-writing this entry for literally hours (and by that, I mean probably a good 10 minutes). I can be dead eloquent when I'm struggling, but because when something good happens I get borderline manic, my head goes a million miles per hour and it's really difficult to adequately express, well, anything. I can spend hours writing cryptic shopping lists, even, just for the craic. Small things, hahaha.

Yesterday, I had the best day I've had in so long. It started at 4.55am (not that I'm bitter, but as I write this I'm sending death vibes to the member of staff who woke me up), and ended somewhere around 10pm. I went back to Milton Keynes- the town of my conception (did Jesus ever visit Mary/Gabriel's den? He should've, even Harry Potter went back to Godric's Hollow)- which was bizarre, for a conference on pathways to recovery. The conference was incredible and overwhelming; there's something so beautiful about sitting in a room and knowing that a large percentage of us in there would not be alive without both the physical and mental health services that we all complain about. We were saved, and maybe we were saved for a reason, I don't know. All I know is it almost feels magical.

I presented and I listened to a lot of others speak, too. There was such a positive atmosphere, despite the seriousness and emotional aspects of what we discussed. There was so much courage and willingness and it was, I don't know, inspirational.

It was also a brilliant networking event. I've now got contact details from some of the people there, and I can't wait to get in touch with them. Numerous people expressed interest in me presenting in their areas and, God, I'm happy. I'm proud. I kick arse. And if you know me, you know those are not thing I can often say.

(Also, the staff with me were pretty cool and we ended up in a trampoline park. But for God's sake, don't let anyone know I said that they were cool. Ahem. I totally didn't have a brilliant laugh with them. Ahem).

Friday, 7 November 2014

10 things I've just learnt

They say you learn something new every day, but whenever I read something like that, it sounds like a challenge. A bit like when you get something delicious and it say it'll feed 10. As. If. Game on. Anyway, back off that tangent; I think I've learnt a good 10 things over this last week and so I'm going to share my, ahem, wisdom:

1. Being in a room of strangers is an opportunity, not something to cause anxiety. It's pretty cool to know that, chances are, there'll be someone dead fun hidden away.

2. Sometimes, just sometimes, that room of strangers may contain someone who wants to present something really bloody stupid. It's best to question, just to make sure it's not as shit as it sounds. If it is as shit as you think (I'm always right, don't know about you), say 'with all due respect' and 'I'm sorry, buuuuuut...' as much as you can. Make a game of it.

3. You can glitter glue anything.

4. Or add normal glitter to anything.

5. Get involved in everything. The only way to improve things- or even, to get inspired to do or improve things- is to get up, get on, shout out.

6. It's ok to want to always be there for someone, but it's also ok if somebody wants to be there for you. That said, if you need to, take time for yourself. And that's more than ok.

7. The body needs fuel. Who knew?

8. Reading back old blog entries (or, if you keep a diary, read old ones) is a melancholic way to spend some time. But more than that, it's pretty amazing to see how far you've come.

9. It's possible to get 4 tubes of Smarties in your mouth at one time (minus the packaging; that's my next aim).

10. Those 4 tubes? Those are good. They're not to be feared, alright? ALRIGHT.