I've written before about how I'm a genuine, official, professional public speaker. Well, I get paid minimum wage to go to meetings, and lecture at unis and shit. Definitely a professional; minimum wage, baby. I was presenting a short talk today as part of a conference thing and I suddenly realised I'm a fraud. I stand there, looking recovered as an anorexic and feeling anything but. I tell people things are better, and mostly they are a bit. But I'm a long way from recovered and I'm fighting so hard but I can't really claim to be anorexic or recovered. It's like purgatory.
I feel like a joke, a sideshow freak. And at the same time as I feel everyone is doubting my personal hell, I feel invisible. I'm so confused right now.
I can't end on a negative though, I've done that too much recently. So, here are 5 good things:
-I'm going home tomorrow. In 24 hours, I'll be home. In 48 hours I'll still be home. In 72, I'll STILL be home. It's not often I can say that.`
-My tits. No, seriously.
-Yesterday I ate Maltesers and they were bloody good.
-I've pimped out my crutches. Floral cushions stitched onto the handles? Check.
-TOMORROW I'M GOING HOME. That gets two mentions, deal with it ;).
It's not all good, but despite all of this right now, I know, deep down, it will be all good.