Thursday, 11 December 2014

Fraudulent claims.

I've written before about how I'm a genuine, official, professional public speaker. Well, I get paid minimum wage to go to meetings, and lecture at unis and shit. Definitely a professional; minimum wage, baby. I was presenting a short talk today as part of a conference thing and I suddenly realised I'm a fraud. I stand there, looking recovered as an anorexic and feeling anything but. I tell people things are better, and mostly they are a bit. But I'm a long way from recovered and I'm fighting so hard but I can't really claim to be anorexic or recovered. It's like purgatory.

I feel like a joke, a sideshow freak. And at the same time as I feel everyone is doubting my personal hell, I feel invisible. I'm so confused right now.

I can't end on a negative though, I've done that too much recently. So, here are 5 good things:

-I'm going home tomorrow. In 24 hours, I'll be home. In 48 hours I'll still be home. In 72, I'll STILL be home. It's not often I can say that.`
-My tits. No, seriously.
-Yesterday I ate Maltesers and they were bloody good.
-I've pimped out my crutches. Floral cushions stitched onto the handles? Check.
-TOMORROW I'M GOING HOME. That gets two mentions, deal with it ;).

It's not all good, but despite all of this right now, I know, deep down, it will be all good.

1 comment:

  1. Rebecca... no one is wonderful all the time... I swear I feel like a fraud ALL the time... yet I have people tell me that I inspire them.... I remind myself often that no one is perfect... many people have hidden flaws... we choose not to hide them, that helps us change... you have changed and grown so much. Don't ever give up on yourself, you are worth the work... so am I ♡

    I am SO happy you are going to spend some time at home xox