Sunday, 18 January 2015

Faking it.

If you've ever met me in person, you'll know I have excellent boobs. In fact, if you've ever had a conversation with me, I'll probably have told you (stick with me, I swear I'm going somewhere with this). Truth be told, I hate more or less everything about myself, both physically and, yanno, in terms of personality and my past and things I've let happen (or feel like I've not fought enough against, anyway). It's not that I blame myself for everything, but sometimes I feel that if nobody else will take on responsibility for things, then I must. I've convinced myself- completely inaccurately- that negativity always needs to be absorbed and I'd rather take it on myself than have somebody else suffer. I'm no Mother Theresa, but I like everyone else a damn sight more than I like myself. Even the people I don't like.

Anyway, as ever, back to my chest. I often talk about it because I am so desperate to like something about myself, I'm so desperate to get better, that I almost try to convince myself that what I once took for a sign of my being fat is actually a sign of my health and so a GOOD THING. Health is good. Health is very, very good. I've never found it hard to lose weight, but why bother when it'll just shrink my chest? And my feet, incidentally. Every relapse I tend to lose a good half a shoe size. I'm an odd one, through and through.

I think what I'm trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that I'm getting there. I'm not nearly as confident as I come across, but I'm trying to fake it until I make it, because I think convincing yourself is the first step. I'm allowed to like something about myself, even if it seems shallow or unimportant, because I don't have to soak up everybody else's negativity. That's not how negativity- in this case low self esteem- works. Take the challenge- pick something you like about yourself, discover you are a likeable person, and shout it from the rooftops. Because you don't have to save the world. And even if you did have to, you can't save anyone until you've saved yourself.

2 comments:

  1. Rebecca, I read your post on my phone, I had to wait until I could get on the computer so that I could comment properly..

    First, don't blame yourself for all the things that went wrong in your life, you didn't deserve any of them and just because someone else doesn't step up to the plate an accept their responsibility does not mean it is yours.. :)

    I too have never really liked my body because it was too big.. now it is pretty normal but I always loved my boobs... haha... They look pretty spectacular for being 51 :)

    You are so right, we cannot save anyone else.. until we first save ourselves, I love seeing how far you have come since I first started following you... I think you are pretty amazing girl xox

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  2. My feet shrink too!! Hello fellow-shrinking-feet-in-relapse-friend!

    It's so wonderful to read that you're 'getting there' as you say. It's always an inspiration to read your blog posts.

    Take care and keep trying to like yourself!
    Xx

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