Friday, 9 January 2015

Infected.

I've been so ill that I literally have not changed my underwear in a week, or eaten any chocolate. The chocolate thing is more of a shock, to be honest. Feel like without my fix, I've lost my superpowers. Oh, and cigarettes, none of them earlier. In short, it's been a crapper of a week. Glorious chest infection. Glorious years of anorexia and so terrible immune system. I get a lot of infections (not kidding, I'd only been off antibiotics for 4 days for a different infection, when my chest infection started), so usually I have to just get on with it, because if I let every infection stop me doing things, nothing would ever get done. This week, though, I just had to take a break. And it taught me a lot:

1. The world won't fall apart and people won't crumble if I take time for myself. That time this week was kind of forced upon me, but chances are if/when I take a step back, nothing will break (unless I bang into something and break a bone, or summat. I'm very clumsy).

2. Being woken up by a friend with a hot chocolate is a really lovely gesture. It maybe can only be done for the person/people you live with, but give it a shot- wake them up with a hot drink, just before their alarm is due to go off. It's nicer than a machine wake up call.

3. Feeling guilty and taking it out on myself every time I get ill is just going to delay my recovery. Maybe it is my fault for all the years of attempting to destroy my body, and succeeding to do that to my immune system. There's not a lot I can do now though, but rest and go easy on myself.

4. It's ok to let others take care of me. If that's sitting and crying over how ill I feel, then whatever. The important thing is not making one sided relationships.

5. As much as I learnt the above, I also learnt that you can't always rely on everyone else, because most people already know that they don't have to always be the superhero. You can't resent people for that, because the only way to help others is to make sure you are strong enough in yourself.

Today's been my first day out of bed, and I'm bored as hell. The last bit of being ill, when you're too ill still do much, but not ill enough to not care, always gets me down. Tomorrow should be better; I'll change my underwear, stuff down a bit of chocolate (sadly, only a bit. Struggling a bit food-wise, truth be told) and smoke. What more could anybody want, eh?

1 comment:

  1. Rebecca, I am so sorry to hear you were ill... don't ever blame yourself for being sick... you didn't purposefully try to hurt yourself over the years, you don't deserve this in any way. We all make choices that is true but sometimes those choices come after a catastrophic incidents in our life, we do the best with what we have been given and we move on from there. You are doing the right thing for yourself now and I believe soon things will be even better for you.

    I think about you a lot and I pray and send out good thoughts for you, take care of yourself and don't be so hard on yourself, you are human as we all are... :) xox

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