Friday, 20 March 2015

Drama, drama.

As great as last week was, that's how bad this week has been. Alright, thinking back, maybe not QUITE that bad, but still not great, either. Nowt sinister's happened, I've just not been very well. I ought to be used to it by now, given how if you flick through, I'm always bloody ill, but landing in hospital twice for something they can't diagnose is new even for me. Well, originally I went in with what they thought was something terrrrrrible due to my anorexia (I've not relapsed, but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't caught up in a blip), then decided it was most likely dehydration. When fluids didn't change the fact that I couldn't stand without falling, I was kept in overnight, for more fluids and a catheter. I got out midday yesterday, but by last night I was back again, and sent home with a catheter, which is currently chilling in position and velcro'd to my lower right leg.

Those are the unemotional facts, anyway. The night I spent in I ended up really unwell mentally and just presented as a bit of a brat, so naturally nobody was all that sympathetic. As soon as that catheter was mentioned, I knew what it would mentally bring up. Flashback after flashback of being abused. I tried to runaway, under the premise of going for a smoke, a fair few times, forgetting that A I couldn't stand, and, B I wasn't being held against my will. It was awful, the worst flashbacks I've had in a long time. Then my voices would allow me to tire, before shouting louder than ever, to torture me. The second time I was admitted, last night, I knew catherisation was coming, but as soon as it was said I dissolved into tears. My mum took the nurse out and explained why I was so upset and she was absolutely lovely, and was far gentler with me than the staff the night before had been.

Since then my voices have been so loud and there's little I can do but attempt to be patient, which is wearing me down something chronic. I'm putting effort into presenting as myself, well, a knackered version of myself, anyway. It feels like people get sick of my drama, and trust me- so do I.

I think what I'm trying to tell you is that if somebody is behaving in a bizarre or exaggerated way, there will be a reason for it. Possibly even a terrible reason. Be kind to yourself and be kind to others- just because they might not look ill, be diagnosed mentally ill, or be mentally or physically ill, actually, at all, does not mean they don't have shadows and demons within them. That they have every right to react to. So do you, by the way, you have every right to feel.

2 comments:

  1. Rebecca, I wish people would think before they judge... no one knows what another person is going through, no matter what you think you know... I hope the doctors figure out why you are ill and that they can help you... By the way, you really do have a right to over react when something is going to done that brings up terrible memories... hugs from Canada xox

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  2. Hey darling, long time no speak. Hope you're doing ok! Sorry to hear you have been ill hope the doctors can the find out why! Just been catching up on your blog, wow well done got becoming informal and coming on leaps and bounds as well as winning your award so proud of you always have been. Take care missus and I am always here for you! Love and miss you loads Rebecca. Keep up the good work and remember you're allowed to struggle every now and again its how you cope with them times. You're far from not alone! X

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