Well, as of this Friday, I'm back in eating disorder treatment. Out-patient but still, I'm dreading it to be honest. And that's making me feel like a terrible person. So few people who need services have access to them and I know that I'm so lucky to live in a place where it's free and available and that it's only been a few weeks (I think they might have hurried it along. I'm pretty sure they hurried it along, in fact, because I thought I'd have a lot longer of a weight- typo, but Freudian- give that it's the NHS) and everything. And that it's not like when I was in ED therapy in my teens and had to wait for months and then get myself to Leeds, which isn't even that far by car (hour, hour and a half) but took 3 hours by a bus, three trains and a taxi. Lucky, lucky, lucky (said only slightly sarcastically). It's a lot of pressure though, both because I feel like first of all I need to prove or live up or down or whatever to the diagnosis I have by rapidly losing weight, and then second of all I have to be absolutely perfect at recovery. My head's mashed.
I've also got to start getting weighed again. I don't know my weight right now, I don't want to know my weight right now and more than all of that, I don't want anybody else to know it either. It's so personal and at the same time so irrelevant to everything. It's something I know that needs to be monitored, given my history, but I'd so rather people just took their cues from my words, because I'm not treatment resistant in the slightest and I'm always honest about struggling, much as I might deflect and dodge at times. It's hard to convince yourself that weight doesn't matter when other people have to put so much on it.
I'm so bloody tired of all this crap. I know how whingey this post is and I'm sorry, but this is how it is right now. I'm impatient for change and development but I'm run-down and taking things out on my body. I think the dread I feel is more linked to the pressure I'm putting myself through, rather than dread at change, because Chriiiiist, am I ready for that.