Wednesday, 6 May 2015

A list of what ifs.

My anxiety is quite bad right now, so I've decided to write a list. I love lists. Any lists. One particular summer day I named my freckles and could list them all, which is quite impressive for somebody with hyperpigmentation. I list and plan anything. I even like listing French verbs, even though I can't remember what they mean, and, well, I'm getting a bit caried away listing my lists.

Here's a list of my current fears. You know you've had too much therapy when you start doing this.

-That the darkness will come back and I'll forget even more of my life. I have huge chunks of memories missing, weeks and sometimes even months, just gone. Pufff. Gone. That's pretty scary. That's mental illness. Bit extreme, even for me, but what if I wake up tomorrow and it's not tomorrow, it's 20 years from now? I mean, that's not likely to happen, but there are signs, before I start forgetting and that leads me to-

-The signs are back. Not significantly, but enough to scare me. The voices are loud and I'm exhausted and sad and anxious and terrified that I'll wake up with an even bigger appetite for suppressing my appetite than ever before. I'm huge. And for me, that's an emotion not relevant to any weight. It's dangerous as hell. I'm so scared of my vanity and my potential to gain weight... and to lose it. That's a problem because-

-My body (or my mind, for that matter) cannot take another relapse. It's just not strong enough. I won't go there again, it's not fair to go there again. It's most definitely not an option. But what if-

-Something happens that pushes me back? By that token-

-Nothing could happen. What then? What if I never get worse because I control my triggers instead of my weight? What if I get through this? Or what if I don't? What if I stay like a vegetable, stuck in this one position. What if I can never manage a career and family and all? And-

-What if 'what if' is a pointless question? What if questioning that does nothing but keep me a vegetable? What if I can't stop them? What then?

2 comments:

  1. Rebecca... I feel like you have come such a long way... I think you can surpass the what ifs... the you of the past wouldn't have even questioned it... today you do... that is change. ..♡♡♡

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  2. the what ifs are something we all have to work out. sometimes realising them is the biggest step of all xxx charlene xxx

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