Monday, 29 June 2015

Making the best.

You may need to be seated whilst reading this (I don't know why you wouldn't be, unless SBIWYB is your toilet reading and you're a man. No, wait, wouldn't- never mind), because this is hard to say so unbelievable, no doubt, to read.

I was nearly southern.

Honestly, I epitomise the north. Apart from my use of 'epitomise' of course. I say it with a northern accent and sound a bit thick, but I know long words an' that. I am also disgusting. Just in general. And I talk to strangers on the street; tell sales people my life story and still wonder about that little old lady I met on a bus, who told me she won't support cancer charities because they don't focus enough on brain tumours, which is what her son had died of in his teens. I know this is all very stereotypical, but it's true. The thing is though, my parents divorced whilst my mum was heavily preg with me and she moved from Milton Keynes (where they had somehow ended up after my dad graduated), back up to Scunthorpe. I was born in Scunthorpe General, lived in a council house with my mum, grandma, auntie and brother for a year or so, before my mum got her own council house for her, my brother and me. Apart from my brother, who moved to London years ago, my family are all up north. I know this assumes a lot, but I probably wouldn't be anywhere near as close with my family had we stayed down there. That's an odd thing, because I am mega, mega close to some of the people who make up my clan. I mean, one of my bezzers is a (not quite) 14 year old cousin. I can't imagine that being the case, yanno?

My point is, that everything is fluid. There are no guarantees and anything can affect, well, anything. Joking aside, would being southern have  made much difference to me? Probably. Chances are, I'd have had better access to treatment quicker, if, even, I needed it. The abuse, most likely, wouldn't have happened and things may have been better. But they might also have been worse. I can sit and get angry and bitter that my early years weren't ideal, or I can accept that every decision that was made by my mum when I was tiny, was made with the best of intentions. I can accept that everything I do now will affect my future and try always to make them with the best of intentions.

Another thing that you might want to sit down for, dumdumdum, is that I went for a jog at 4am today. I've made a decision that I am going to take this 10k (I signed up whilst drunk, but usually, my drunken conversations or decisions usually are just things that I'd do/say sober, if I had the balls) seriously, because that's a decision I made and I'm going to make it the best it can be. It's been a long time since I took my future seriously, and up until recently I had never expected to have one. Have one I have though, and I'm going to look after myself, make it the best it can be. I want to be the best I can be. And I haven't got time to get ill again, there are too many wonderful and terrible decisions to  make, decisions that I haven't had the freedom to make before. I'm just realising my freedom, a few months after the end of years in hospital, and what that means. It's pretty cool, really.

2 comments:

  1. It's more than pretty cool Rebecca
    Personally
    You have been an inspiration to me
    And I know that word gets dropped on the daily
    But I really mean it
    I know you don't know me
    I don't know if you read my blog
    But I read yours
    And have been silently willing you to get well
    Now you are
    And I couldn't be more happy for you
    What I love about you is that despite everything that has happened
    You always retain a sense of humour
    I like to think that I do too
    As sometimes it's all we have

    Much much love for ya x

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  2. Rebecca you're right, all of the choice that were made for us and the ones we made ourselves brought us to where we are supposed to be. Sometimes I think maybe if this hadn't happened or this had gone another way... my life would be so different but then I wouldn't be where I'm supposed to be... You are pretty wonderful and smart girl... it's not easy dealing with the cards we were dealt... but they make us stronger don't they...♡ xox

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