Thursday, 11 June 2015

Sadness, depression and Avril Lavigne.

I'm sad a lot right now. I'm not petitioning for a higher dose of my anti-depressants or owt (side note: I've been asking for a higher dose of my anti-psychotic. The answer so far is that I'm already on higher than average. Like, love, if I'm psychotic and not on the maximum dose, hit me up. Plus, really, I don't think the average person takes anti-psychos at all, if that's what we're playing), I'm just sad. I think people confuse being depressed with being sad a lot. It's two completely different things. Sad is waking up and realising you have another day of wading through treacle to navigate. Depressed is waking up and wishing that you hadn't woken up at all. Don't get me wrong, both are crappy and mean different things to different people. But I'm going to give distinguishing the two a shot. Here is the Ultimate Guide on Am I Sad or Depressed (or maybe just a bit Avril Lavigne circa- early 2000s)?

(just in case this wasn't obvious, this isn't a diagnostic tool. If things aren't right, TALK TO SOMEBODY, YOU)

1. You've just woken up. What's your first thought?
A. Here it comes, another long day. Proper cannot be arsed, but really need to move my bones from my bed. I'll move, but it'll be slow and I'm going to complain as I do, ok?
B. Blank. Blank, blank, blank. Not again, please not again. I'm pinned down. Stuck. It won't move off my chest and I can't bear the weight of another day. Please, not again.
C. I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day.

2. You finally manage to focus on the task ahead- getting on with the day- just long enough to realise it's lovely and bright and you're accountable to only yourself. What do you make of it?
A. At least the weather isn't reflecting my mood. Maybe a summer dress will feel better than pyjamas. Maybe I'll absorb some brightness. Maybe, if I want it enough, I'll feel content then. Maybe I won't. Maybe this is it.
B. No day is lovely. Seriously, not like this. The seasons could all come and go in a day and still I'd feel nothing.
C. It's gonna be a bitchin' summer,
We'll be livin' fast, kickin' ass together

3. In an attempt at a bit of normalising, you made a to-do list a while back, and you've yet to tackle it. Will you tackle anything on it today?
A. Nope. Well, probably not. If I force myself, maybe I'll distract myself. Nothing I do will be my finest work, but I have to shake this feeling somehow.
B. I can't even think about it without hyperventilating or finding myself staring into space for 20 minutes, whilst my brain goes on holiday.
C. Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?

4. Against the odds, you got a few bits done. How do you feel?
A. It's never enough, but at least I have sort of been a Productive Grown Up Adult. It's not enough, but it is something.
B. I'm not enough. I'm such a complete failure. Why bother?
C. I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect

5. The day is over and you're starting to think about heading to bed. Any final thoughts?
A. I need to sleep, I need to cry, I need a giant glass of wine. But deep down, I know this will eventually pass. I just need to keep reminding myself that the sun sets, but it also rises and that's ok. I'll be ok.
B. I'm so tired, but I know I won't sleep, not for a while. My body is weak but my mind is working out. I need a break, to get away. I need to sleep, and that's why it won't come. Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe I'm just thinking too much.
C. Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending.

Now, you've probably guessed how this bit goes. I'm no shrink and I'm an expert only in myself, but mostly As? That's sadness. That's not a diluted form of depression, like people think, it's a whole other beast and it's pretty cack. Talk to somebody. Keep moving. You got this. Bs? To me, those are the things I feel when depression clings to my bones. It's ok, and even if you don't believe me, it'll pass. It seems impossible because that's how it keeps you; it tells you you can't beat it, that's how it catches you. Talk, write, believe. Cs? You marvellous thing, you. Avril is our queen and a bit of angst is what it's all about. Have fun with your eyeliner and, um, rock on? <3 p="">

1 comment:

  1. Rebecca... I am definitely in the 'A's... I'm just sad but I believe it will get better in time... I just have to keep moving forward. I've been a 'B' and it's so difficult to see past the day... it's possible, it takes work and it's nothing you shake off... I want to be more of a 'C'... one day I'll get there, I believe♡ (I hope you get passed your sadness too... )