Of course, it wasn't actually the skinny revolution I feared. It wasn't everywhere, on the whole there was no ED promotion and it had nothing to do with me; you might not even have come across it and I never told anybody about how important the gap was to me. A permanent obsession for me became a temporary goal for some. Then life moved on.
But not for me, not then. I finally stopped measuring the gap when I last did re-feeding, this time last year. I am a year clean of thigh measuring. It was mostly because I committed to weight gain voluntarily (ish. Eventually), and so I knew the gap would get smaller. It was also because I was tired. I was tired of it all. The measuring, the counting, the striving each day for a higher number when measuring the gap and a lower one for measuring my weight. And lowerlowerlower still for any form of measurement of my self-worth.
You know what? As of this week, I don't have a thigh gap. I am officially the biggest I have ever been as an adult. But you want to know a secret? I am far, far happier than I have ever been. My relationship with my body isn't great and I get sad and mad and bad, but it's never tinged red any more. I have my grey days, but I don't have black ones with red cuts. Sometimes, just sometimes, I have glittery days and glitter IS my favourite colour after all.
Measuring my worth by my thigh gap- A GAP- really underlined a lot of what was going on. See, I was measuring myself by an absence. Not by my good features, or even my not so good features, but by nothing at all. By air and space and nothingness; everything that isn't myself. I was, to myself, worth far less than nothing and as that nothingness between my thighs increased, that became more apparent. I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve that. I am not nothing. I don't deserve to be reduced to nothing, to be measured by my absence or to have my humanity ripped away for the sake of air. Air can exist anywhere, but I can't. We each come around once and there's more than enough space already around without creating more room for it between my- or your- aching bones.