Or I could live.
I actually had a hard time coming to terms with that. I was jealous of every dieter and so compulsively fed on other people's diet stories, in a way I'd compulsively starved and binged before then. I studied up on every diet going in a way I'd never bothered before (I always felt like following even a fad diet was cheating and too slow. I also had a sort of arrogance that I could destroy myself completely alone, through something other people used to build themselves). Once, I got seriously excited about the idea of doing the cabbage soup diet as soon as I left home, before realising that that would just be an extended version of death. I was kind of bitter that getting better meant that I didn't get the satisfaction again of losing a lot of weight; it just seemed like yet another thing my mental health problems was taking from me.
I'm not being melodramatic here. Well, I maybe I am a bit- I forget that most people's dramometer (I just made that up. You couldn't tell, right?) is a bit lower than mine. A bit... but it's how it felt then and how it feels now. Maybe years down the line it's possible for somebody who has recovered from a chronic eating disorder to diet sensibly, but truth be told I don't see myself ever being able to, in the same way I know a chronic alcoholic needs to stay away from alcohol.
Of course, dieting was never the problem. It never was or will be. The problem is the way I view life. I see it differently. I see fun house mirrors in everything you say and every way you look at me. All your nuances and quirks can be put down to a reflection on me. I mean, that sounds really self-centred. In some ways, I think EDs can come across that way, but it's way more complicated. It's blame and guilt, in the form of a grand optical illusion. It's circus mirrors. It's not you, it's not all your good and bad, but it's not my good or bad, either. It's not how little I eat or how visible my ribs are. It's a mess.
That said, your diet can significantly affect me and mine. I don't expect you to stop talking about Weight Watchers, but please, a few things-
1. Please don't tell me how much you eat (especially not in the form of your calorific intake. By all means tell me if you ate summat delish).
2. Please don't tell me your weight, or how much you have lost or gained.
3. Please don't ask me for dieting advice. The best advice I can give you is to listen to your body. No more, no less.