Sunday, 19 July 2015

Curvy.

Ok, I'm going to describe the way I look, with only terms that I can qualify. No negatives, just pure fact. From the top- I have wavy hair, in various pink/reddish shades (I get bored and bleach bits every now and again, so it's a bit of a mess. No, wait, that's not objective. IT'S JUST MULTI-COLOURED, THE END). My eyes are blue and my eyelashes stick out in all directions, like my head hair and eyebrows. I have a tonne of freckles on my face and from a distance I nearly look tanned. I'm not, I just have hyper-pigmentation on reeeally pale skin. I'm pale everywhere, but have the ability to grow a dark monobrow. My boobs are on the bigger end of the spectrum for my size and that's a running joke with my mates. I'm 1.58m but often I'll lie and say I'm 1.6, which is better than when I used to tell people that I was smaller, so that they'd think my BMI was higher than it was, when my weight was low.

Oh, and I'm really curvy.

I've learnt that curvy is virtually a swear word. But I am curvy- I'd tell you my stats but I don't think you need to know. I will say though, as I mentioned before, my boobs are on the bigger size. My waist goes in pretty significantly and then my body goes out a fair bit more for my thighs than my hips. My waist is usually a size or two smaller than my boobs and thighs. Have I qualified? For some reason, when I describe myself as curvy I get a whole range of comments. Here are the most common ones that I hear-

Reaction- You're not fat enough to be curvy (usually accompanied by a derisive laugh).
How it sounds- Not. Enough.
How it feels- Not. Enough.

Reaction- Ha! You're not curvy. I'M curvy!
How it sounds- Love, you wish you had my curves.
How it feels to hear- I'm not good enough. I'm not curvy enough. Even my healthy body isn't any more worthy than my poorly body ever was, despite how much hard work has gone into it.

Reaction- Aw, babe, you're not curvy. You're still tiny.
How it sounds- You used to be tiny. YOU USED TO BE TINY.
How it feels to hear- Without any mention from me of how I was, you've just reminded me that I've gained a lot of weight, whilst at the same time dismissing that I worked hard for my current, natural, body size. Curvy is an insult, apparently, when I just thought it was an ordinary adjective.

Reaction- You have to stop putting yourself down.
How it sounds- Curvy is fat and fat is what you fear. So I'm saving you from yourself, but you need to start saving yourself.
How it feels- I'm really boring you with what you think are my constant self-doubts, when really I'm stating a fact that I need to get used to, for my own future.

There's so much wrong here. When did a simple adjective become so laden? Curvy is either a club to aspire to ('only a dog likes a bone') or lumped with a heinous insult (as when nearly anybody says the word fat). I'm currently a bit obsessed with plus-size blogs, because the bloggers there seem to be able to call themselves curvy. I know that sounds a bit daft, but it's a bit like how I'm 'allowed' to tell you all those other things about how I look. You won't try to persuade me that my eyes aren't blue, you wouldn't even think to. But you are quick to dispute and dismiss my body shape. I know it's with good intentions and I'm not cured- I'm still petrified that I am hideously fat (which is something I DO hate about myself, as it happens. Why do I say hideously? I'm not really sure what's wrong with fat, I just know that it's ok for anybody but me) and sometimes, you know what? Sometimes I need reassurance. I hate my body, as it happens, I really hate it. But that doesn't change the fact that I AM curvy. Not even my sexuality is bloody straight.

(I have really great boobs, btw)

1 comment:

  1. Rebecca... I love being curvy and I think when we are we should own it... do I even want to try to say I understand how it makes you feel... no... but I think curvy is relative to any size... and I know you like the size of your boobs... I like the size of mine too xox I love you girl and all your honesty xox

    ReplyDelete