Monday, 3 August 2015

Another night.

I'm in hospital. I'm not really sure what's going on. I mean, right now I'm completely here and with it and everything, but somehow night comes and I'm utterly batshit. I'm hallucinating on and off in the day but it's all quite mild and I can function, but come night I'm certain the abuse is starting again and hallucinating hardcore and urgh. It's mid-afternoon now and I'm totally fine, but this is a list of everything that has happened/I've done (I think; it's all a blur) over the last few nights-

Thursday- took an overdose (from what I remember there was no suicidal ideation, it was more just to try and get some sleep over the shouting of my voices), then FORGOT and called the crisis team because- well, who knows. Somehow ended up in an ambulance then remembered a bit later I'd taken an OD. Not sure what happened next, but that's the night I came to psych.

Friday- self harmed quite badly, um, vaguely remember screaming at a member of staff because I overheard her saying it was attention seeking, I'm not really sure what actually happened after that and what I just THINK happened.

Saturday- did a runner and sat on the side of the road, smashing my head in. I then remembered that there's a police station kind of nearby and so ran there and told them that I was going to be raped. Somehow I ended up back here, but from what I remember, for once in my life the police were lovely, so there's that at least.

Sunday- could see a man in my room and refused to go in. The staff were mostly good 'uns and stayed with me literally for hours because I was so scared. Then I was fainting and my obs dropped and then I went to bed in the early hours and they stayed with me through the night, I think, and, um? How can it be last night only and I barely remember it?

Today I'm just disappointed. In myself, in the fact that I was only out for 4 months before I was back in, for everything. To be fair, this is just a medication change and was always going to have to happen, but it's still pretty cack. And I have to keep reminding myself that once my meds are back on track I'll be out and then getting back on with everything and that it's not like before when I was in years. As ever, I'll be ok. But I really am scared for tonight. I can't take it much longer. Come on new meds. YOU HAD ONE JOB.

2 comments:

  1. Shouting across the void to you... please hang on in there! Try & keep yourself safe til those meds start to work.
    It must be terrifying... I know myself when I am in and out of reality it's just hellish... so desperately terrifying. Remember that you're not alone in this strange night... and you're not a disappointment! I am glad of the words you write here... I can relate. And sorry though I am that you also suffer, it gives me some strange comfort to know that in some way you - a stranger to me- understand the bits of me that seem so 'other' to others!
    Hope that makes some kind of sense?! Fear is less scary when you have someone to face it with x

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  2. Rebecca I'm so sorry for you... The damned med changes that caused you to end up back in the hospital. Stay strong, this will only be for a short time... I hope xox ♡

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