You know when you get a little flower growing through the cracks? You weren't aware you planted a seed, but somehow- God, what am I blathering on about? A glass and a half of wine, Frozen on the tele and a whole lot of excitement and I talking even more crapola than usual. Excuse me.
I have two exciting bits of news, one that's slightly more exciting than the other. See if you can guess which is which and I'll let on at the end whether or not you're right. Good luck, because if you're right I'll send you nowt. At all. Tell you what, I'll treat you to the same, even if you're wrong.
1. Quick catch up- I hate going outside and I never ever go out alone. I have a fear that I'll run into one of my abusers and actually it happened not so long back, which triggered my last blip, so it's a real possibility. It's pretty depressing, because although there were a lot of people involved, it was 20 years back and now I'm a proper grown up, with high heels (that I could probably have walked better in 20 years back, but whatevz) and bras that I haven't stole off my dad's girlfriends (I have my own, and I don't even need to pad them. Thanks, nature) and I'd like to let it go. Sorry, I told you I'm watching Frozen. It's also boring as, because unless it's a day when my support worker is coming, I'm in alllll day alone. It's boring and frustrating and I am SICK of it. So taking a coping strategy my OT suggested- it's brilliant. Play the game of picking a girls' name that starts with A, then a boys' that starts with B and so on, but make it so they are names you would 100% call your kid- I took to the shop. Half hour walk on my own? SMASHED. Get in. First time in years.
2. Another quick catch up- 6 years ago as of now, I got my A-Level results, got what I wanted, and got ready to head down to Essex to study Politics. Well, I would have done, had I not been sectioned at the time after a nasty overdose. I delayed uni, had a lot of therapy and headed down a year later. And then I effectively was thrown out after my second year when my mental health continued to decline and I was sectioned- admittedly a ridic amount of times- despite my good looks. Sorry, grades. GRADES.
(Looking to go to Essex Uni? Got a mental health condition? Don't. Just don't. Psychosis during Freshers' Week? Suspended suspension because you made the uni look bad to new students, You couldn't make it up)
During my long admission, I realised that my heart lay in paying forward the help that I got, in one way or another, in psychology. And recently I have finally decided how to do it. Not just my heart, but my head too, is in mental health nursing. I am going to be a psychiatric nurse. Oh my God, this is so exciting because I've never written it before. It's a new realisation but it's right. It's who I am.
I am Rebecca Xylo and I am going to be a mental health nurse :).