I wish it was as simple as eating more for a little while, until my weight was healthy, and then getting on with the rest of my life. I've had my weight healthy now for about 8 months, and that's amazing. I look better and I feel so, so much better. My brain works again and so I'm a nicer person to be around, too. When you're literally starving your cognitive distortions turn you into a bit of a monster. You're so scared of looking, visually, like a monster that you pretty much become one, personality-wise. It's a strange one, but anyone who has managed to love me when I've been really ill is my hero. It's not easy for the sufferer or the long-suffering loved ones.
But I wish, sometimes, I could just commit to some parts of recovery. It's nice not to always have a countdown going to my next suicide attempt. It's amazing to actually be able to plan things, because I know, chances are, I'll still be here to carry them through. It's comforting that I'm not constantly cold and tired and mardy and that I can laugh and, more than anything, I will never take my freedom for granted. After 3 years in hospital- it's bloody good to be free, the novelty hasn't yet worn off. I can do things on my own time and go where I want, to see who I want. But, well, there bits I miss. I miss knowing, on bad days, that at least through my starving, there is less and less of me to hate, every day. I miss being tiny. I miss my bodysize speaking the words 'I'm struggling' without me having to qualify it with words. I miss looking as bad as I feel, really, as sscrewed up as that is.
It's really, really easy to romanticise even the worst of times, and I think that's what I'm doing. I would far rather have to reach out for help and describe how I feel on bad days, than constantly be having bad days through illness. I nearly died. The thing I am romanticising nearly killed me. Maybe the reason you can't pick and choose bits of recovery is because recovery is inherently good. Maybe I'm just not used to being nice to myself, allowing me to have the good. Maybe, just maybe, I'm absolutely fine, exactly where I am now.