Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Marmite.

A few years ago, it was officially A Thing to declare yourself to be 'like Marmite'. For those who aren't British- you poor fools- Marmite is this food spread that's brown and sticky and salty and smells rank and which, if you believe adverts (as I do, always), you either love or hate. Honestly, most of their advertising centres around how vile it is, but how it's got a bit of cult around it. Strange stuff. Personally, I can take or leave it, but I'm mental, so whatever. Claiming to be 'like Marmite' is meant to be a reflection on how you evoke strong feelings, not necessarily that you smell rank, not that there isn't a correlation between smelling oddly and liking the stuff, but that's neither here nor there.

I've always completely been able to understand the draw of considering oneself to be like Marmite- nobody wants to think of themselves as boring, after all. Until I give it more than a second's thought, and realise that actually I AM a bit like Marmite- and that, actually, I'm not the biggest fan of being that way.

When I'm up and I'm peppy, people tend to love the concept of me. I've overcome the scars of abuse, beaten the demons and look kind of normal (crap dress sense not withstanding). The looking normal thing is pretty important, I think- unlike a lost limb or something, you can pick and choose when you want to be aware of my disabilities, until I have an episode and freak everyone out, that is. Wheel me out when you want me to tell you that if I can do it, you can. Wheel me back in when you've had your fill of my issues. In theory, it's pretty inspirational and that. Until I crash. When I'm down and I'm psychotic, if people don't dislike me, they dislike the concept of who I am. I make people uncomfortable. Anything out of the ordinary frightens people.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I necessarily blame anyone for it. But it's just tiring that the same people who call me an inspiration also kind of see me as a freak show at best, and as someone to be locked up in the attic, at worst

We're not meant to be vocal about our struggles, because that's attention seeking. We're not meant to hide anything, because that's not being true to ourselves. I'm An Inspiration, so I carry the weight of others' expectations. I'm a weapon or contagion too, because it's easy to berate yourself or others for not being at the point in recovery that you think I've made it to. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to know people care, but exhausting to keep up a front.

I'm not meaning to smack anybody back for genuinely caring and being my cheerleaders. One of the best things about having this blog is when people read it and message me little bits of encouragement or wisdom. I thrive on it. It's just the awkwardness that gets to me. It's the pressure of being held up as an example when it doesn't feel honest or true.

I think my point with all this is- we're complicated. As people, we're all bloody complicated. It's ok to be uneasy of me because it's ok to feel anything. But it's also ok for me to get knackered and feel weighted down by my position. It's the blessing and curse of being so open, I suppose.

2 comments:

  1. Rebecca... I love your honesty... I just wrote about how I feel like I leave a peice of me when I write. I know you'd understand that. I'm not a fan of marmite but I am a huge fan of yours, regardless if you have your ups and downs... I remember reading years ago how low you were and today I see a girl who has come so far. Yes you still have a way to go but don't we all... most of us are broken ... some are better at sharing the truth, that takes a strong person. I know this because I'm pretty strong too... xox ♡

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  2. I know what you mean. I'm constantly depating with that too how honest, to who to tell and how to tell. But we all have a story, somepeople have more harsh story than others but it still shouldn't make anyone to judge it. I've learned that people who have come through some hard stuff too can understand what it means to be a survivor, it's not like you deal with it and then it's gone for good. It means that you know how to get on with the situations that bring it up again... that's often what people who say attention seeking or freak circus are overlooking. They don't know how frustrating it is when it comes back to the surface again.

    You have come so far. And it's hard sometimes when people see something that you are struggling to see.
    xoxo

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