Saturday, 14 November 2015

Walking away.

Facebook and I have a complicated relationship. We're best friends when I come out with a boost of hilarity and need validation through likes, but we're ex lovers as soon as somebody puts up a picture of me with several chins. Now, that feature where it tells you exactly what moronic crap you came out with a few years back on that day, well, Rebecca is in a Complicated Relationship with that bit even more. Like, for example, three years and two days ago I had my first(/last) philosophical revelation- 'When men feel threatened by famous men, they call them gay, as an insult. When women feel threatened by famous women, we hope they're at least bi-curious and into the same weird things we are.' I am, to quote my girlf, full of depth.

On a slightly more sober thought, our complicated relationship entered the highly emosh level the other day, when Facebook kindly reminded me of a thought from 2009. I can't find the exact status, because Facebook won't allow me to see what I said six-years-and-a-few-days-ago, but I can almost remember it off by heart. It was along the lines of, 'I hate that you can walk away from me, and delete me from your life. But more than anything, I hate that I give you the power to do that, because I'm not strong enough to walk away myself.'

I don't remember exactly what led me to that status, but I'm all-but-certain that I know exactly who the person in question was. There's something really sad that I can't pinpoint which event it's about. I was hurt by one person so insidiously, so many times, that I can't even list the occasions. Granted, it's a six year old sentiment, but it's much more than that. It's the culmination of a relationship that I almost let destroy me.

Forgive my vagueness here. I don't want this to be a post ranting about the person in question, neither do I want this to be a passive aggressive thing. This isn't about the person in question. I mean, if you've been close to me at all in the last few years, you'll probably know and honestly? I don't care. I don't care enough to name the person. I very much doubt the person themselves would read this, but know that if you are- I honestly don't care. I don't care if you think you know the person in question and plan on reporting to them. I don't care if you don't know at all. That person can't break me. Not again.

Six years ago, I was a 19 year old little girl. I wasn't a 19 year old woman. Hell, I wasn't a woman until I was 23 and finally decided that enough was enough. I decided at 23, as I laid in a hospital bed half dead and partially destroyed, hooked up to drips and feeding tubes, that I was done. I was done with being hurt, I was done with hurting myself, I was done with being picked up and discarded at will, I was beyond sick of depriving myself of life because one person was depriving themselves of my life. I realised that I could allow that one person to leave my life, as they wished, then pick myself up and get on with it, or I could remove myself entirely and permanently from the lives of numerous other people who loved me.

So I let them go. And I lived. I took their power and made it my own. I've made the decision that they will never walk into my life, so that they never again get to choose to leave it.

I'm not sad about the people who chose not to be a part of who I am. I don't feel that my life is devoid of anything for their lack of a presence. If anything, maybe I should be sad for them, but I'm too ambivalent. I just don't care. I'm brilliant and if you can't handle my fire, those days where I am sunshine and those days when I am a tropical storm, then that's up to you. Your tea probably tastes like sewage. But I am sad for every one of those childhood days where I planned how much more you'd love me if I was thinner.

But am I sad now? Nope. Not a smidge. My life is good. I'm good. I don't thank you for some contrived notion of you having made me stronger. I don't blame you for the fact that I nearly died, numerous times. I've come full circle and I can finally close a chapter with utter indifference. And that in itself is pretty good.

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