Thursday, 3 March 2016

Palming off misery.

I wouldn't wish anorexia on anyone. I wouldn't wish any illness- mental or physical- on anybody, don't get me wrong, but there have been times when I've really, really, REALLY wanted someone to break their nose just before their wedding. I'm prone to giggling hysterically when people fall and it's always entertaining when the person who always claims their cold is the flu gets real bona fide flu, let's be honest.

But I'd never wish an eating disorder on anybody. Usually.

I say usually, because if there was a way to palm off how much I'm currently struggling with my body onto somebody else, I would leap on it. I'm really, really horrified both at feeling that and at expressing it but the truth is, if I could give my bad days, blips and relapses to a stranger and never have to look that stranger in the eye, I probably would. I have to remind myself, because I start obsessing about how awful I am as a person for wanting to throw my misery onto somebody else, that it doesn't work that way and so this is a moot point, but it's kind of scary thinking that other people could/do go through all of this too. 

For a while, I was certain that I was going to be in the number of the 1/3 people diagnosed with anorexia who go on to die from it. As if by dying myself, I'd be saving 2 other people from the same fate. It was comforting, as if I was doing something worthwhile and honourable. In a way, not playing the martyr is maybe a sign that I'm growing in self-esteem. I don't have to die. Maybe. It's a confusing idea.

And as much as I know it's not true, I've been thinking a lot about whether or not misery is finite. If there's always the same amount in the world, is it my duty to take up more than my share to protect other people? Is that arrogant or selfless? Or both?

Sorry, this is all really garbled. My head is going a million miles per hour and my body can't keep up so I'm probably only typing about half of what I'm thinking. Today just isn't a good day. It's the kind of day that makes me scared that my recovery is fragile. It's the kind that makes me want to hide in bed for a year, until I've lost 'enough' weight. It's just not good.

2 comments:

  1. You're not a horrible person for wishing that. Not at all. Better to let all of these thoughts out than let them stew in your head. Recovery is fragile, but that doesn't mean it's guaranteed to break. <3

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  2. Rebecca, we all have bad and weak days... we are human. Although I'm with you in that I don't wish bad things on others, when I was going through my emotional breakdown in the Fall of 2013... I didn't care who had the pain,it was so hard for me that I just wanted to feel like everything would be okay. You don't have to be strong all the time, we just have to keep trying. Believe me, I still have days where I just want want to curl up and hide away from the world.... and my breakdown was no where near what you deal with but I believe you can surpass each challenge xox ♡

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