Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Save you.

Get healthy, but don't think having the perfect body save you.
Buy a new dress, but don't think possession of pretty things will save you.
Learn to drive, but don't think running away will save you.
Get an education, but don't think knowledge will save you.
Breathe in an old book, but don't think history will save you.
Enjoy nature, but don't think flora and fauna will save you.
Nourish yourself, but don't think a superfood will save you.
Be creative, but don't think art will save you.

Love and be loved, but don't think love alone will save you.

Because the thing is, the only thing that can save you is something currently within you. The only person who should get to save you is yourself. The only person who can save you is yourself.

I don't think I ever really believed that I could be saved, but I definitely never believed that somebody would want to save me. Why would they? Still though, I expected some sort of epiphany. Some sort of moment, the kind that I'd immediately recognise... and ta-dah, I'd be fixed. In my darkest days, I waited for someone to say something that would make everything click, or for someone else to teach me how to escape the hole I'd dug for myself.

That didn't happen. Of course, that didn't happen.

I don't think I believe in broken/fixed any more. I don't really believe in a state of 'recovered', I believe instead in an ongoing lifetime 'recovery'. I always thought the idea of not being fully saved or recovered was really depressing, but it's really not. It's pretty cool. And I don't want anyone else to get to say that they rescued me, because I'm determined to do it myself. There are a world of people behind me, working with me, but I'm ultimately in control.

Saving myself began with not wanting anyone else to get the credit of having saved me. And that's what did it. When I decided I no longer believed in being saved, when I stopped waiting for other people to save me, I began saving myself. I don't need a hero, because I'm my own hero. There will never be a time when I am 'saved' there will just be decades longer of me saving myself.

1 comment:

  1. This is the truth Rebecca... the older I get the more I realize that there is no broken then fixed person... there seems to always be something else to work on... and working on saving ourselves is all we can really do... It is important to be there for other people but they need to want to change before they will start the recovery from what owns them ... I have been through many things I never thought I could get through... I hope to get through more.. xox