I can't decide where my head is right now. The problem with having a history of severe mental illness is that, even in recovery, you start to read a bit too much into things. Take last night. I was so sad that I couldn't sleep. I might have been tired, I might not have been, but I was definitely sad. So I laid there and I read a lot and I had a cigarette (I swear, I'm not starting again. I'm just stressed and the thing I like about fags is that they're like a little break from everything) and I had some cereal and I wanted to cry. But I couldn't. I was too sad to cry.
So I panicked. I got anxious. And that made me all the more sad. I got scared that it was starting again, that soon I'd give up food and that would lead me to lose everything again. Because not everything is terrible. I'm in love. I do fun stuff. I have friends and family and family who are friends. And I couldn't bear to lose everything all over again.
And that made me more sad. It scared me. I got sad for the girl I was two years ago (because I didn't become an adult until I could function as one last year) and I got sad for the girl I was four years ago and then girl I was at 18, 16, 10, 3. It felt like those girls existed as separate to me and that, somewhere, they were still sad. In a way, I suppose they do. They exist in every school, down every road. There are sad girls behind you in the supermarket and on the train and sitting watching reality TV.
There are sad girls everywhere. Some functioning highly, high flyers in all manner of jobs. There are some who don't get out of bed. There are some who drag their crumbling bones out and run until they collapse, and ones pouring over food diaries alone. They're all alone. All sad girls are alone. It doesn't matter what they're doing or who they're doing it with, sad girls are all alone. It's a whole other world, a twisted existence. A really, really lonely one.
There's a difference, though, between sad girls and girls who are sad. Sad girls are alone apart from their misery. Sad girls have sadness running through their veins and permeating everything, every tiny little thing. They might laugh, but it's hollow. They might do something fun, but it feels like a chore. They might be high flying, but really they're not flying; they're swimming through treacle.
Whereas girls who are sad are often women. They're women and something happens and they get sad. Or something doesn't happen, and they get sad. Or maybe they're just blue and they don't know why, but they know it'll get better. Girls who are sad and some of the most hopeful because they know sadness doesn't last.
I'm definitely a woman who was sad last night. But when you're sad, it's so hard to differentiate. It can consume you for a while, but you know it won't last. The sun will rise. The rain will stop. And you're ok. I'm ok. It's ok to be sad, I think.