Monday, 11 July 2016

The end of the dream?

Today has been hard and I am so stressed that I turned to chips and gravy (guys, I think I might have found a comfort food. Yay for recovery) and then cried because we only had potato wedges and crap gravy. I wanted to write and explain why today has been so horrible, but I've been on the fence as to whether or not I should. And then I started really thinking as to why I shouldn't write about it and I came to a conclusion: I'm generally really open, until it comes to me issues around rejection. Then I'm so afraid that if I express having been rejected, other people might also decide to reject me.

But I can't live this way. I'm generally a really open person. Probably way too open actually, because I don't seem to have that filter that people have- I'm more like how a puppy would be if it could talk, than I am an adult human. I think putting everything out there might be really bad for some people, but it's how I survive. I'm so afraid of not saying something, because I always feel guilty for not speaking out being abused, that I've just sort of trained myself to be open. It's good for me to be open.

So I'm going to put aside my hurt and embarrassment and I am going to write about today. No wait, let me start at the beginning: I had to see an occupational health doctor a month or so back, for a medical to see if I was fit to train as a nurse. I expected my blood pressure to be read and possibly to be weighed, but it didn't quite go that way.  The doctor I saw just recommended that because of my history, not only am I not fit for training, it's unlikely that I'll ever be. That hurts. I worked bloody hard to get to where I am, and that hurts.

So today I found out that my dreams of being a nurse might be dead. I feel rejected and also, really, really embarrassed. I think the rejection thing is quite self explanatory, but I feel so embarrassed because with me being so open, everyone has heard so much about my training and everyone wants to know if I'm excited and now I might have to tell everyone that, after all that, it might be all over. I'm hoping people will be sensitive if they read this, but it's an embarrassing mess. I was meant to start in September and now everything is up in the air. I have no plan B. 

Of course, you know me, I don't lay back and let things happen. So I'm appealing the decision, fighting it and I'll fight all the way. I'll be a cracking nurse. I need the sting to calm down and the embarrassment to fade, and then I'll fight. My tenacity is probably one of the things that will make me a good nurse. 

I just don't know what I'm going to do and I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm on a doomed ship. I hate not feeling enough. Not good enough, not well enough, not hardworking enough, whatever.

I probably need chips and gravy.

1 comment:

  1. Rebecca, first don't be embarrassed... second I hope you don't give up fighting... you deserve it and I think you would be a wonderful nurse xox