Well, the dream is officially dead. I won't be a nurse. After I had that letter from the doctor who recommended I'd not be fit to study (see last post!), they asked me to go to a meeting at the uni, which was yesterday. 6 weeks before I was due to start studying, they tell me that because my mental illness is 'severe and enduring' I'm def not about to start. I think I'd be able to cope if it was before of exam results, because then at least it would have been as a direct consequence of something I had some sort of control over. But my grades have always been good, far better than my mental health. And it's my mental health that everyone only ever focuses on.
Ahead of yesterday, everybody told me to think positively, even though I had a bad feeling about it. Everyone told me not to come up with a plan B, even though I knew I might have to. Everybody told me it would be fine, even though things just don't see to work out that simply for me.
I know this sounds really self-pitying and I swear, I'm only self-pitying a teeny bit, but honestly, things just never work out for me. I was forced to leave uni at the end of my second year and then sectioned for almost three years. Nothing, nothing, prepares you for things not quite working out like being forcibly detained. I had to fight for every second of leave from hospital I got. I had to fight for the right to choose to stay in hospital, rather than being forced to, which took months and months of negotiating. And trying to get out of hospital? That was the biggest fight ever.
But I got well, I got out, and here I am. Still, I'm not good enough. As ever.
Do you know what sucks the most about this whole shitty situation? As I was leaving the meeting I had yesterday, one of the people from the uni recommended I tried again in a few years, 'when [my] health is better.' My health right now is really good. Honestly, it's good. I eat. I don't self harm. Sometimes I smoke. I drink on weekends. My mood is stable. I'm in a healthy relationship etc etc etc. I'm actually pretty good, it's just that I have a history that apparently speaks louder than my achievements. If this isn't me in good health, I don't think good health is something that I'll ever reach.
I'm tired of having to fight for every single thing. I'm tired of working for small achievements. I'm tiredtiredtired of those achievements never being recognised.